


Turn Back the Tide

by RachaelGold



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-10 12:52:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14737304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RachaelGold/pseuds/RachaelGold
Summary: Back on Earth, Chakotay is about to marry Seven, but he is disturbed by dreams of a past with Kathryn Janeway that had never happened.Setting: Post Endgame and Resolutions





	1. Chapter 1

She was standing by the window as he woke, staring at the landscape beyond. He should have realised something was not quite right...he was in his bedroom on Voyager and the viewport should have been filled with stars. Instead there was a purplish light and the tips of some tall trees swishing in the breeze, reminiscent of New Earth. 

She was in silhouette, a dark form haloed by bright light. He knew instantly it was her. Her posture, her straight back, the curve of her hair, even her perfume were so familiar. What the hell was she doing in his bedroom? 

"Kathryn?" he queried, more surprised than angry to start with. "What are you doing here? How did you get in..." 

The figure turned to face him as he lifted himself onto his elbows. 

"I was always here, Chakotay. You just don't always see me." 

"This isn't the place for a discussion..." he countered brusquely as he rose from his bed. "Let's go through into the lounge.." 

"There is no lounge here. Can you see a door?" 

He glanced towards where the door should be and had to admit he couldn't. There was something very peculiar going on. If this was not his bedroom on Voyager then where was he? 

"I'm very disappointed in you," the figure continued solemnly. "You've let me down." 

"How do you figure that one out?" he asked, mystified. A little angry too. She'd had her chances. Seven years of opportunity slipped away! 

"You promised to stand by me." 

"I stood by you all the way." 

"Did you? Are you sure about that? We used always to be together." 

"Until we got home... Are you complaining that we haven't seen each other? You have a nerve! You're the one who disappeared. You went G-d knows where... I've tried to contact you. I wanted you to come to the wedding, but you even turned the invitation down." 

"You can't get married. You're already married." 

"I am not." 

"You're committing adultery. You're my husband." 

"We are definitely not married. I don't know what you're on, Kathryn, but I think I'd know if I was married." 

"You think you'd know? Huh! You've just forgotten...are you sure you remember everything? I've come to warn you. This isn't right. You're already married. We've been married for years." 

"This is madness," he insisted. "I've never heard anything so preposterous." 

The vision changed. He found himself standing in a woody glade, a place from his childhood where he often walked with his father. The man in question stood just in front of him, staring at him with the same disgusted eyes. 

"Have you forgotten yourself, son?" asked Kolopak. "Have you forgotten how you pledged yourself to this woman? You brought her to me. Your heart was bursting with love for her!" 

"I felt something," he defended. "A long time ago. But she never returned my feelings." 

"You are mistaken, my son." 

"Father?" But then he realised he was speaking to empty space. The figures had all gone, vanished like apparitions. He cast his eyes about him, taking a deep draught of the soft woody air. The grass swished quietly in the breeze and the birds called their amusement from high in the trees. There, scooting away into the undergrowth, was a tiny lizard. He'd seen that lizard many times. It was a familiar visitor, and although they'd never spoken of it (it was something not to be revealed), he strongly suspected it was Kathryn's animal guide. 

For a moment he leaned forward, searching for the disappearing lizard and hoping to call it back to him, but it too was gone. It was as if everything he reached for was slipping away from him. The surroundings changed again. This time, the scenery was solid not ethereal. It had real form. There were walls, doors, and a bright light beating through the window. He was back in his home in Arizona, in the house he shared with Seven when she wasn't regenerating. His hands, which much to his consternation were trembling, rested on his akoonah. It had all been a vision quest. 

It was a rather disturbing one and he'd had several along the same lines lately. He stood up, somewhat disorientated. He was marrying Seven in a few weeks time, and he was supposed to be full of enthusiasm for the prospect. Why wasn't he? He was in love with a beautiful woman. He should be thrilled, excited in his anticipation of the happy event. Instead, he was struggling with nightmares, peculiar visions and mental disturbances. In his waking hours, he had sought his animal guide in desperation, but his vision quests were just as unsettling. They were adding to his confusion. Why was his subconscious so disturbed? 

His sleep was broken too. He couldn't remember the last peaceful night he'd had. The nightmares that visited him didn't last long. He'd see Kathryn's face. She was always angry with him for some reason he couldn't fathom, and then he'd wake up in a sweat. 

Then there were the mental lapses and they were another thing entirely. He'd even called Seven _'Kathryn'_ by mistake in the throes of passion when they were making love, and it had caused a lot of tension between the two of them. He'd had to explain to Seven that he had never actually had intimate relations with Kathryn Janeway. He didn't mention that for a long time this had been the one thing he most desired in the universe. He didn't explain that it had actually been Kathryn's face he'd seen in his mind's eye at the time, contorted with pleasure, lost in a moment of pure ecstasy. He couldn't explain it to himself, because he had never seen Kathryn's face like that. Nor could he understand why it crossed his mind, when he kissed Seven intimately, that she tasted all wrong too. He had an entirely different taste in his memory. One he couldn't put his finger on. Something feminine, potent, exotic. Beautiful. But surely a figment of his imagination. 

Seven, for all her inexperience, had at first been incredibly patient with him. She'd mostly been concerned for his welfare, and had obviously been researching vast banks of resources on relationship advice. She could quote any number of experts on the complications of the early stages of a relationship. 

But Chakotay began to feel the problem was more serious than that. He had begun to suspect that his faulty gene was playing up, and he knew he should really should visit a doctor. In the end, matters got so bad that he couldn't resist Seven's increasing concern and felt he had to get medical help. 

Voyager's EMH was no longer available to him, as he had resigned from Starfleet. Indeed Chakotay wasn't even sure he was not in a decompiled state. The last he'd heard the Doctor was broken up into lines of code in some database at HQ. So instead he and Seven went to see a private neurologist. 

The man had been noncommittal at their first interview, merely checking Chakotay's medical history. A few simple tests quickly confirmed that there was no recurrence of the problem with Chakotay's faulty gene. Initial scans revealed nothing, so he was referred for a more thorough scan of his brain. 

The following day, Chakotay found himself lying on a bio-bed while the instruments scanned him thoroughly. He tried to relax. After yesterday's reassurance that his genetic history wasn't debilitating him, he no longer suspected that anything was seriously wrong, but the consultant went suspiciously quiet and kept checking and rechecking the results. He pored through Chakotay's back history, with a puzzled frown on his face. 

The doctor refused to be drawn as to what he had found until he had Seven and Chakotay seated back in the consultation room. 

"I know exactly what the problem is," the consultant told him. "It's what to do about it that is difficult." 

"Well?" said Chakotay anxiously. 

The consultant seemed a little reluctant to give a definitive diagnosis. "Are these visions you are having really disturbing? If they're not...if you can bear to live with them, we could contemplate doing nothing." 

"They're getting worse," said Chakotay. "I don't want to continue like this. It's having a big impact on my life." 

The consultant tented his hands and looked thoughtful. "In that case, I have to inform you that you have a small implant in your brain. A neural suppressant. It's used to control specific memories. It's often used on people who have had very bad experiences, victims of torture..." 

"I know what it is," responded Chakotay abruptly. 

"In your case, it seems to be malfunctioning...some of the memories are leaking. You mentioned you had a bump on the head recently?" 

"I often get bumps on the head...I box regularly." 

"Unlikely to have been that then. Yours has probably just deteriorated for some reason, in which case we can expect matters to get worse unless we do something about it." 

"Can you tell how long it's been there?" said Chakotay, wondering if something from his Maquis days had caused its installation. Yet, knowing that Kathryn's face kept appearing, he knew that couldn't be the case. It had to have been a more recent event. 

"I'd say between five and ten years. There is a confidential note on your medical records which I am unable to access at present, Stardate 49960.15. That would be December, 2372. Voyager's EMH should be able to give us more information." 

"It's my understanding he's been decompiled." 

"I will contact Starfleet Medical and try to find out. In any case, I should be enabled to access all the relevant information. Does the date ring any bells?" 

"Not specifically." 

The doctor looked at Seven, who shook her head. "It was before I came on board." 

"It would be soon after I had lived in exile on a planet," said Chakotay, vaguely remembering that he had been ill on their return and didn't actually remember their rescue. "I was infected by a virus resulting from an insect bite." 

"You were cured of that according to your records." 

"Yes." 

"Then there was most likely some very traumatic experience you wished to forget." 

"You are saying that this was done voluntarily." 

"That is the most likely explanation." 

"So where do we go from here?" 

"There are two courses of action, and I need you to go away and talk about this overnight. You need to make a careful decision about this." 

"Yes?" 

"The first option is to sedate you and replace the module with an exact replica. That way you will not become aware of your suppressed memories. There's no way of targeting the memories that have already leaked, without wiping out the last six weeks or so of your life. You'll have to live with them, but they will fade, and there should be no new incidents. You should be able to put this behind you, and get on with your life. But I advise doing this quickly, in case something awful emerges before we do the repair. 

The second option is to remove the device altogether, which means the majority of the memories will be restored. I have to warn you that, if you take this option, there is almost no way I will be able to remove the memories later. The process has to be carefully targeted, and that usually means installing such a device immediately after the events to be suppressed. If the memories turn out to be something that you cannot live with...and that usually is the case...then I won't be able to remove them again. Well, I could in theory wipe away ten years of memory, but that would severely affect your cognitive functions, your relationships and anything else you have learned over the last years of your life. We would have to be desperate to attempt something like that. It would radically alter who you are. It would affect you emotionally as well. You would forget any friendships forged within that time period. You would forget that you know people, even the person you love." 

"Very drastic." 

"Yes. Generally not an option to be considered. So, I'm warning you that if you choose to have the device removed you will have to live with the memories that surface." 

"I understand. But now I am aware that there is a part of my life I know nothing about, I'm going to wonder what happened for the rest of my life." 

"Yes, but that may be easier than knowing what did happen. I do advise you to think this through carefully. This is not a decision to be taken lightly. However, we must act quickly on this. Can you come back tomorrow, after you've had a chance to talk this over?" 

"Of course." 

* * *

  


The discussion later that evening proved to be rather difficult, as Chakotay and Seven found themselves at odds over the matter. 

Seven, very wary of the memories that might be uncovered, was totally against the removal of the device. She was well aware that there were some deeply bedded feelings in Chakotay for their former Captain, and was beginning to suspect that they might be founded on more than just passing interest. A number of the crew had suggested to her that this might be the case and until recently she had dismissed it as irrelevant. Chakotay, now very intrigued that he might actually have developed his relationship with Kathryn to the point of actually sleeping with her, was desperate to know the truth of it. The fact that he might uncover some other horror did nothing to discourage him. It would now be a distant memory, if that was the case, and he had lived through many horrors as it was. He'd been tortured, his family had been wiped out by the Cardassians. It was hard to imagine anything could be significantly worse. 

He was completely determined to recover his memory. He well understood Seven's concerns and was trying hard to reassure her, although he sensed that this could well be a moment of crisis in their relationship. It had certainly caused a heated argument this night. 

"It is obvious to me that you have had some attachment to the Captain in the past," Seven told him, "and it is essential for a healthy marriage that you leave it in the past. I cannot see how uncovering any more of these memories will assist us in the future. I will not allow you to do so. You must have the device repaired." 

"You will not allow me to have the device removed?" asked Chakotay incredulously. Seven did have an unfortunate tone at times. "At the end of the day, it is my decision. It won't remove any of these visions...and now that I know they are flashbacks...that the things I've been seeing actually happened...I need to find out the truth. There's a part of my life I know nothing about. I have to find out. I'm always going to wonder. I don't think I can live with not knowing... It doesn't mean it has to change you and me. Maybe we have to put the wedding plans back a bit...until this is all sorted out." 

"You are not committed to this marriage," she complained. "This has changed how you feel about me." 

"It has not changed the way I feel about you." 

"It has. Or at least it has changed the way you feel about her." They both knew she meant Kathryn Janeway. 

"I don't know how I feel about her, and I really need to sort that out before we get married. It wouldn't be fair on you." 

"You have deep feelings for her...I've always sensed it. You've been inordinately desperate to get her to agree to come to the wedding." 

"She's my best friend." 

"She is clearly more than that." 

"I love you." 

"Then do not take this path. It is not appropriate behaviour in a fiancé. If you care about our relationship, you will not do this. Go back tomorrow and ask for a repair." 

"I can't do that. I have to know." 

"You will be doing untold damage to our future. If we postpone the wedding, I do not believe we will ever go through with it." 

"Don't think that. I still want to marry you." 

"Not enough to do this for me." 

"Seven, I had hoped to have your support." 

They argued till late at night and it was clear that, whatever else this had done, it had driven a wedge between them. Chakotay lay awake most of the night thinking about it. He understood Seven's fears that it would damage their relationship and he would willingly do almost anything to make her happy. In the morning, he told her he would have the device repaired for her sake, and Seven was suitably relieved. 

All the way to the hospital, he stuck to his resolve. He went alone this time, as Seven had work to do and in truth he had heard her opinion for long enough. It was only as he sat in the waiting room that he began to have his doubts again. It would be the easiest thing to let them repair it. After all, he told himself, now that he knew it was there, he could always have it removed later. Except that, if he did decide to have it removed later, he would by then be married to Seven and it would be too late to process any emotional attachment to Kathryn. So if he went ahead with the wedding, he would have to let sleeping dogs lie. It was now or never, he thought. He knew that, for Seven's sake, it would be the best thing to do. But he wanted to know. A part of him still loved Kathryn, and that part had been very much stirred up by his recent flashbacks. How could he leave this stone unturned? He knew deep down that he would forever be disturbed by this, and he also thought it would be very unfair on Seven to go ahead with the wedding with this much turmoil in his heart. By the time the consultant called him in to begin the procedure he had changed his mind again. He was back to wanting it removed. He hoped that nothing it revealed would come between him and Seven. Maybe he would tell her that he had had the device repaired. She need never know he had gone against her wishes. He didn't like lying to Seven, but he didn't want this to come between them. This way, he would take the fallout from his actions upon himself. He would have to deal with the consequences of his memories by himself. He would be able to process his emotions quietly and all would be well. 

The consultant informed him that he had been able to access the closed file regarding the matter with the help of voyager's EMH. It surprised Chakotay that the Doctor had been accessible. Clearly reports of his demise had been exaggerated. The consultant was also able to tell Chakotay, given that he was interested in finding out, that the implant had been used as a result of severe emotional trauma, and not because of any incidence of torture or any other horrific experience. Although he generally recommended repair of such devices, it meant that Chakotay might be able to reconcile himself more easily with whatever had caused the trauma. He would be looking at the memories from a distance...they would be hazy now with the passage of time. They would not be so vivid. 

The consultant was not surprised that Chakotay wished to restore his memories. He'd sensed that in their discussions the day before. But he also realised that Seven did not share his enthusiasm. He had to caution Chakotay that this could put a strain on their relationship. Chakotay knew that. The arguments of the previous evening had been more than enough to show him that. But he had to know the truth. He could not turn away from this. He realised he was incapable of burying this and pretending it hadn't happened. From the moment he had found out that these were genuine memories trying to resurface, and not just figments of his imagination, he had to lift the lid and stare into his soul. It was as if the man he was now was incomplete. 

"I want the device removed," he said. 

"Are you sure? We can wait a few more days, if not." 

"I'm sure." 

"Right. Well, we'll proceed with the surgery this morning and I'll arrange for you to see a counsellor this afternoon." 

Four hours later, he came round following the procedure. He didn't at first feel any different. He called Seven to say he was fine, then had a light lunch. The nurses kept checking how he was and he told them he was perfectly alright. Satisfied by his progress, he was released, and he set off for a walk in the hospital grounds waiting for his counselling appointment and wondering what all the fuss was about. 

He started to wonder if any memories had actually been restored. He felt the same as he had done only that morning. Whatever it was, it was all in the distant past, probably to do with the time he had been stranded on a planet with Kathryn. He found he actually had to start probing his mind to remember what had happened. When he ventured tentatively into that part of his consciousness, the memories started to come back. 

As he sat on a bench in the quadrangle waiting for his afternoon appointments, he began to remember. What he remembered began to both shock and entice him. He had been intimate with Kathryn Janeway for a few weeks. It had been the most exhilarating experience of his life. The flashbacks were real and he could truly see her face flushed in the throes of passion. He remembered thinking he had never seen anything so beautiful. 

But how had it ended? How had he lost something so incredible? That wasn't too clear to him at the moment. He'd have to think about that one. 

He checked his chronometer. It was time to go and discuss this with the counsellor. There was a lot to think about, not least how this all affected his relationship with Seven. 

As he walked back into the hospital complex, he knew one thing for sure. He would never have begun his relationship with Seven, if his memory had not been violated. 

* * *

  


Later, by the time Chakotay returned home, he knew he'd gambled with his relationship with Seven and lost. There was no way to hide his deception from her. The feelings were too intense. And there would be no way to go through with the wedding at the moment. 

In fact, Seven knew instantly. She took one look at him and she knew. 

"You had the implant removed," she stated. 

"Yes. I'm so sorry," he said, lowering his eyes. 

"You put the recovery of your past ahead of our relationship." 

"I didn't think I was, but... There was no way I could put this out of my mind. I could not wipe away the memories that had already leaked, and on their own they were enough to challenge me over the way I am living my life." 

"Do you remember it all?" 

"Most of it. Some parts are hazy." 

"You had a relationship with the Captain?" 

"Yes. Before I met you. When we stranded together on a planet during the second year of our journey." 

"I had surmised. The crew often speculated that there had been something between you. But it ended?" 

"Kathryn was adamant it could not continue aboard Voyager. I couldn't accept it. I was devastated. So emotionally traumatised that I agreed to the procedure." 

"It was done with your consent?" 

"Yes...my eventual consent. I did not give it easily." 

"So it was something that was over long ago?" 

"Yes." 

"And where does it leave us?" 

"Seven, I cannot marry you. It wouldn't be fair. My feelings are not what they should be, and you deserve so much better." 

"You still love her?" 

"I don't know what I feel. It was six years ago and I'm very confused. But I do know that to go ahead with our wedding would be so unfair on you." 

"Our engagement is terminated?" 

Chakotay was very tempted to tell her it was merely on hold until he had sorted himself out. But he knew now he could never love her as fully and as deeply as she deserved. 

"I think that would be best." 

"You no longer love me?" 

"I still love you. But it's not enough. You don't have my whole heart, and you deserve someone who loves you completely." 

"It was enough a few weeks ago. It can be again. You need time to process your experiences. You will adapt." 

"Time will not be enough. It would be so easy to say let's put this behind us. Let's move on. But I know I cannot. I could not six years ago. I am certain I cannot now. This thing is enormous...it has put a huge gulf between us. Seven, you are a wonderful, beautiful woman, and you will meet someone who will make you happy. But I know now it cannot be me." 

"Chakotay...do not do this to us," pleaded Seven, reaching out to touch his face. "We can try to work this out." 

Chakotay reached up to still her hand. "No. We can't. It's over, Seven. You have to accept this. I have messed this up. This is totally my fault. I am so sorry. If I had had any inkling that I had unresolved issues, I would never have pursued our relationship." 

"You did have an inkling," Seven accused. "I have suspected for a long time that you had some attachment to the Captain. You have always been overly attentive to her. Your thoughts have often been of her when they should have been of me. You would not have been so upset that she had turned down the invitation to the wedding. You have never played this straight with me." 

Chakotay could not answer this, because he knew she was right. 

* * *

  


Seven didn't waste any time removing her things and Chakotay watched sadly as she stripped away the remnants of their time together. He felt badly for her, guilty at the way he'd messed up her life. He was angry with himself because he still let Kathryn Janeway affect his life. But he realised with shame that he wasn't very upset about losing Seven, nor about the cancellation of the wedding. He knew that their marriage would have been a pale substitute for something he had lost a long time ago, and so he had no regrets that the engagement was over. 

Chakotay slept badly that night. As time passed, more and more of the past came back to him. He felt bitter and angry. This was all Kathryn's fault. 

The next day, he stomped about his house in a rage, barely giving Seven a second thought. He tried to contact Kathryn and failed. It appeared she was on indefinite leave, and there was no response from either her own home or her mother's. Well, nothing changed much. He'd been trying to contact her for ages and he dearly wanted to vent some of his anger on her. 

By mid-afternoon he had exhausted himself, and he threw himself on his bed and lay back staring wildly at the ceiling, a half empty bottle of Saurian brandy close by. 

He was seething with resentment and attempted some relaxation exercises to try and calm himself. He tried to breathe deeply, tried to centre himself. 

His mind drifted back to New Earth, a little reluctantly now as some of the memories were very painful. It seemed a long time ago. 

But he could remember. He could remember almost everything, much of it very vividly. The laughter, the companionship, the exquisite love-making, the promises and professions of undying love. 

The look on Kathryn's face when Tuvok hailed them. 

And the tragedy of returning to the ship. 

Yes, Chakotay could remember it all. 


	2. Chapter 2

2372  
New Earth

  


(Six years earlier)

_"I can tell you a story, an ancient legend among my people. It's about an angry warrior who lived his life in conflict with the rest of his tribe, a man who couldn't find peace, even with the help of his spirit guide. For years, he struggled with his discontent. But the only satisfaction he ever got came when he was in battle. This made him a hero among his tribe, but the warrior still longed for peace within himself. One day he and his war party were captured by a neighbouring tribe led by a woman warrior. She called on him to join her because her tribe was too small and weak to defend itself from all its enemies. The woman warrior was brave and beautiful and very wise. The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. From that point on, her needs would come first. And in that way, the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace."_

Chakotay held his breath and met the gaze of the woman he had loved for a long time. This was the closest he'd ever come to telling her. 

"Was that really an ancient legend?" asked Kathryn, her eyes shining with tears. 

"No, but that made it easier to say." 

Kathryn smiled at his magical words and Chakotay began to curse himself at letting her off the hook so easily. Why did he always do that? This was the first time she had come to him ready to talk things through openly and he'd dodged. Was he that much of a coward? 

Yet he knew this was too important to mess up. Despite that they were both aware of their almost instant attraction to each other, they'd always retreated to a professional distance whenever the sparks began to fly. When he'd massaged her neck earlier that evening, exactly the same thing happened. She'd retreated to her room. He'd understood on Voyager, even if he didn't like it. But here there was no command structure anymore, no protocol to prevent them from acting upon what he knew went deeper than mere physical attraction. He had grown to love her and he hoped he had said enough for her to know that. 

No, they couldn't mess this up. He'd curse himself later, if he ruined what was a very special friendship. Here they only had each other for company, and, if they rushed things or took the relationship in a disasterous direction, it could ruin everything. He also knew that they had plenty of time. They had a lifetime to let this happen. 

He wanted to be patient with her when he'd attempted to profess his loyalty to her. He hoped she could read some sense of his love for her in there without his actually saying the words. 

It seemed she understood, because she raised her hand and he met it with his. Their fingers entwined in a gesture of loving friendship. If he hoped for more, it could wait. 

"Chakotay?" she asked, hesitantly. 

"Mmm?" 

"That was a beautiful profession of loyalty. Thank-you." 

"You're welcome," he smiled. Were those tears in her eyes? Yes, her eyes were filling up. The thought settled somewhere deep in his gut that she wasn't unaffected by all this. He knew she was attracted to him, knew they were developing a deep and lasting friendship. Maybe she was only just beginning to process the possibility that they could be so much more to each other. He smiled to himself. He could almost see her brilliant mind doing cartwheels. 

"Even so…we're stuck with one another," commented Kathryn, "probably for the rest of our lives. So I do think a frank discussion is necessary." Chakotay shifted uncomfortably. He didn't want to hear the _"just good friends"_ patter that he sorely expected. He wasn't sure he could take the finality of that. He would really prefer to leave things open and let whatever developed happen naturally. "Do you find me attractive?" she continued hopefully. She'd seen the look on his face when he caught her in her bath towel a few nights earlier, and she wondered how deep the attraction went. 

Chakotay's mouth dropped. This was unexpected. Was he ready to admit this? He may have fantasised about her, and he knew he wasn't the only one, but there are some things you just don't tell your commanding officer. 

Except that they weren't on Voyager anymore. 

"You are a very beautiful woman. And I hoped that you would have understood how much you mean to me by what I just said." 

"I am the only female on the planet and it does make things a little difficult." 

Chakotay swallowed. He realised he had to be very clear now. He wouldn't want her to think he only found her attractive because she was the only woman available. 

"Kathryn, I have always found you very attractive. I have done from the moment I first set eyes on you." 

"And where do you hope this is going? Do you desire a more intimate relationship?" Chakotay coughed awkwardly. He was reluctant to bare his soul, if he was just going to get it trampled on. "I'd appreciate the honesty…I know we both felt something earlier. I need to know if it was just a passing interest or something rather deeper." 

He took a deep breath. He couldn't believe she didn't know what an intriguing and compelling woman she was, how she drew many people to her. "Kathryn, you are a very beautiful woman and a very dear friend. It is my deepest wish that we turn this into something way more special." 

She smiled. "Good. Because I am not in the habit of sleeping with people I am not in love with." 

"I never expected you were." 

"So how would you define what we have here? Friendship? Attraction that might lead to something more? Love?" 

"You have a lot of questions tonight," he smiled. 

"I'd like to be clear about how things stand between us." 

Chakotay nodded. She was probably right. "If I seemed a bit vague just now, it was because I didn't want to push you too hard. I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. Oh hell…I suppose it was I who was feeling uncomfortable." He cleared his throat. "Kathryn, you have to know that I love you. Deeply. It's been creeping up on me over the two years I've known you. I value our friendship beyond anything. I have a very deep respect for you. I'll understand if it's not how you feel…" 

"It is how I feel." 

"It is?" he said, as his gut began to churn in excitement. 

"Yes. I love you too. And it's been creeping up on me for…oh about two years. I know I've fought to suppress it, because we couldn't…couldn't…not on Voyager. Not while I was your commanding officer." They smiled shyly at each other, both fully aware of what the constraints had been. The fingers of his hand curled around her smaller hand, squeezing it more firmly. He understood. He'd always accepted that, as her second in command, he had to admire her from a distance. Until now. And that thought was setting both hearts beating furiously. 

"However, as I said earlier," she continued, "we have to define some parameters here. We should consider the ramifications before we move beyond friendship. We only have each other here and this puts us in an unusual situation." 

Chakotay nodded, waiting patiently for her to expand on what she was saying. He wasn't entirely comfortable about this. He felt love should be an expression of the heart, not the result of cerebral negotiation. He much preferred spontaneity. However, he knew he had to hear her out. 

"Let's suppose we do this. If either one of us decides they want to step back from a relationship, we have to still be free to do so without compromising our friendship. If it all goes sour…" 

"It won't go sour," he assured her. "That I can promise you." 

"How can you be sure?" 

"I've never been surer of anything. I will stand by you whatever happens…I will devote myself to your very happiness. You'll never be able to question my loyalty, that I promise." 

She smiled at his confidence. "Okay, but you understand what I'm saying?" 

"That, first and foremost, we must preserve our friendship." 

"Something like that." 

"Fine by me." 

"And if Voyager returns or we find our way back to her, we have to return to the command structure." 

"That goes without saying." 

"Let me be clear. We would have to cease to be lovers." 

His heart sank now. This was a stipulation that Chakotay didn't care for, but since he never dreamt that they would be rescued, he had long since resigned himself to living out the rest of his existence on this planet. This wasn't something he had a problem agreeing to. 

"I understand." 

"I am technically engaged to another man." 

He nodded. "Your chances of ever seeing him again…" 

"Are pretty slim," she acknowledged. "Even if we got home tomorrow, he may well have moved on. He probably thinks I'm dead." 

"Do you still love him?" Chakotay asked anxiously. 

She dropped her gaze. "Not in the way I used to. He's someone I care about deeply, someone I can remember fondly. It seems strange. I can hardly remember his face now. It all seems like a dream. My feelings for him aren't going to come between us. Not while we are here." 

Chakotay accepted this. He knew this would be difficult for her to admit. Kathryn Janeway was a woman who took her commitments very seriously. He wondered about Mark sometimes. He knew that if he'd been in the man's shoes, he wouldn't have gotten over losing Kathryn very easily. 

"Thank you for being honest. I was very jealous of him when I first came aboard." Her eyes glinted in surprise. "I thought what a lucky man he was…to be engaged to such an amazing and beautiful woman. Then, when we destroyed the array and got stuck out here, I realised how devastated he must be…because that's how I'd have felt in his position." 

"I truly hope he's moved on…found some peace somehow. I'd hate to think he was still mourning for me." 

"I hope he has too. But we're here and we're together and we shouldn't let our losses weigh us down. There's much to celebrate." 

"There certainly is." 

"You and I are alive and well. And we have each other. Our life here will be good." 

"I'm sure it will be." 

"Was there anything else? Or are you done with parameters?" 

"No…that just about covers it." 

He smiled at her. "Let me get this straight. You love me?" 

"Did you miss that bit?" 

"No," he grinned. "I heard it. And I love you?" 

"Aren't you sure?" 

"My darling, I am very sure. So now that we're clear about that, do you want to take this slowly?" he offered. 

She gazed thoughtfully into his eyes for a long moment. Then her lips twitched and her tongue peeped out momentarily. One side of her mouth slipped up into one of her enigmatic smiles. Her eyes danced naughtily. 

"No," she laughed. "I'm not the kind of lady you keep waiting." 

This seemed a sudden switch from the analytical way she had been discussing their relationship, but he should have known. If Kathryn was anything, she was decisive. In seconds, he was out of his chair and hauling her into his arms. In the heat of the moment parameters were instantly forgotten, lost in the joy of discovery. 

* * *

  


The next three weeks were lost in a haze of near constant arousal. Kathryn Janeway was an enthusiastic and generous lover. He couldn't get enough of her. He marvelled at the silkiness of her skin, the flow of her hair through his fingers, the taste of her lips and just about every other part of her body. He was drunk with the euphoria of making love with her and he sensed the same with her. He had never had a relationship this intense, this soul-reaching. He thought he must be the luckiest man alive. Of all people to be stranded on a planet with him, how wonderful that it was this exciting, vibrant and passionate woman! And that she loved him as fully as he loved her. 

All responsibility was forgotten. Seedlings were neglected, plans for extending their meagre house put aside. They had to hope that a cold winter was not likely to catch them unawares. They had fortunately a plentiful supply of fuel, and they had already taken steps to safe-guard their shelter in the event of another severe plasma storm. The replicator in particular had to be secure. The only other change that was made to their arrangements was to place both beds together in the same room. 

They made love morning, noon and night, in the house, in the soft meadow grass, on the rocks by the stream, even in the bathtub. They came together joyfully, sometimes hard and demanding, sometimes sweetly teasing, taking their time to love and tantalise each other, to worship each other in a way that was deeply moving, profoundly satisfying. They were deliriously happy. Both of them. The trauma of being separated from the rest of humankind seemed strangely distant for the time being. 

Days later he found himself spooning her to his chest, basking in the euphoria of post-orgasmic bliss. He could hear the dawn chorus outside their shelter as he nuzzled her sweet-scented hair. He sighed with happiness. 

"Kathryn, will you marry me?" 

She stirred, not quite sure if she'd heard aright. She turned to face him. 

"How are we going to get married here? There's no-one else to witness it. No-one to conduct the ceremony." 

"You think that matters? The universe will witness it. The stars, the mountains, the trees…the animals." 

"The monkey?" she laughed. 

"If you like. It's the promises that matter. The vows we make to each other, and I'd like to show my commitment to you. I'd like some way of formalising our relationship. We'll know what we say to each other and that's all that matters." 

She nodded, understanding his meaning. "I guess you're right." 

"We could even go on a joint vision quest, if you were willing. Then our ancestors could be witnesses. To me that would mean more than a traditional ceremony." She was silent for a minute, chewing over the concept in her mind." That is if you don't object to taking such a spiritual journey…I know you find such things hard to relate to with your scientific background." 

She smiled softly, reaching her hand forward to stroke tenderly over his tattoo, as if reminding herself how much his heritage meant to him. 

"I know how much this means to you. Could we? I mean…would your ancestors accept me? I'm not of your tribe…" 

"You are of my heart. They will see that. That's all that's necessary." 

"Well, okay," she offered. She wanted nothing more at that moment than to please him. 

"Was that a yes?" he asked, heart beating furiously with excitement. 

"It was," she smiled. 

Two days later, they took a long walk, climbing for two hours to reach a rocky outcrop at sunset. The spot they had chosen had a magnificent view over a vast canyon, and the rocks glowed orange in the light of the sinking sun. Chakotay was wearing his Maquis leathers and Kathryn a pale blue skirt and white blouse. They had picked some flowers to string around their necks and Kathryn had several pale blossoms in her hair. They also carried with them two rings they had replicated for the ceremony, a blanket and an akoonah. 

On the edge of the canyon, Chakotay turned towards Kathryn. One side of her face glowed brightly in the dying sunlight. The rest of her was in shadow. He took her two hands in his. 

"My darling Kathryn, you are and always will be the most incredible woman I have ever known. You are beautiful, intelligent, captivating and funny. From the moment I first met you, you have brought me the peace I longed for. I love you with every fibre of my being and you are the other half of my soul. I promise myself to you as a husband from this point forward until the end of our lives. I will love you and honour you with all my strength. I will worship your body with my own. I will stand by your side whatever life brings to us and your needs will always come first." He reached into a pocket and withdrew a ring, placing it on her finger. "Let this ring be a symbol of our union for all time." 

Kathryn had by now tears in her eyes, but she smiled through them. 

"My darling Chakotay, you are the dearest, kindest man I have ever met, and I love you completely. You cannot know how much I have valued your support through all the difficulties we have encountered. You have been my rock, my centre and my strength. From the moment I first met you, you have brought me the strength I needed to carry on. I love you with every fibre of my being and you are the other half of my soul. I promise myself to you as a wife from this point forward until the end of our lives. I will love you with every ounce of my strength and I will stand beside you in joy and in difficulty." She took out another ring and placed it on his finger. "Let this ring be a symbol of our union in this world." 

They smiled happily at each other, clasping their hands together. "Then let the universe witness that we are as one, that this man and this woman are husband and wife," pronounced Chakotay to anything within hearing distance. There was no applause, no cheering, just the whisper of the wind and the flutter of leaves. The hush around them was however not disappointing. It seemed to say all is well. Everything is right with the universe. At that moment the sun finally slipped beneath the horizon, leaving a softening orange glow in the sky. Chakotay leaned forward and kissed his bride with fervour. 

He spread the blanket on the flattest part of the rocky surface, and placed the akoonah in the middle. Both of them sat down, one on either side. Kathryn seemed a little nervous at this point, but he sought to reassure her with soothing words. 

Both reached forward and simultaneously placed a hand on the akoonah. 

"Akoocheemoya. We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of our people…." 

Suddenly the darkness rolled back to reveal bright daylight. Here was a place Chakotay often came in his vision quests. They were together in a forest and they could hear distant drumming. It was as if they could sense the pulse of life back in Chakotay's home. 

"Where are we?" whispered Kathryn. 

He reached out and took her hand. "I recognise this place. This is Dorvan. Just outside my village." 

"It's beautiful." 

"It certainly is," he said glancing around as if searching for something. 

"Which way do we go?" 

"We don't. We wait for them to find us." 

"Oh." 

They were both quiet for a while after that, neither wishing to spoil the sanctity of the place. Eventually, there was a rustling in the trees and two men parted the undergrowth and stepped forward into the clearing. Both had the same tribal tattoo on their foreheads. Kathryn recognised one from a picture Chakotay had shown her once. 

"Father, Grandfather…" This surprised Kathryn, as the men did not look significantly different in age. Chakotay would explain to her later that they had both appeared as he last remembered them. 

"My son," said the one Kathryn recognised. "It is a long time since we have last spoken." 

"It is. I apologise, Father. It is good to see you." 

"You also." The man turned to look at Kathryn. 

"I have brought someone to meet you," Chakotay told him. 

"So this is your Kathryn?" 

"You know of me?" Kathryn asked in surprise. 

"Chakotay has told me much, and I have observed much. My name is Kolopak," said the man, holding out his hand for her to shake. "And this is Chakotay's grandfather, Anthwara." 

"It is an honour to meet you," said Kathryn, shaking the hand of the second man. 

Kolopak turned his eyes back to Chakotay. 

"This is the woman who owns your heart?" 

"Yes, Father. We have today pledged ourselves to each other before the witness of the universe." 

Kolopak nodded. "She is worthy of your love. Beautiful, courageous, stubborn. She will make you happy. I am glad you have found your peace at last." 

"I have, Father. I am very happy." 

"Be mindful you keep it that way." 

The other man spoke now. "Her stubbornness will try you, child, and she does not often do what is best for herself. She always puts duty before her own happiness, and you will have to make her see. You will have to fight her on this, but you must always remember the vows you have made. Search your memory always. Never forget what you mean to each other." 

"I will never forget," assured Chakotay. 

Kolopak turned aside. "I think someone else may wish to give their approval." 

"Mother?" asked Chakotay hopefully. The women rarely made an appearance in a vision quest, much to his disappointment. But the scene changed and the two Dorvanians disappeared. 

It was Kathryn's turn to be surprised. She at once recognised the scenery as that of Indiana, a meadow near her home. 

"Kathryn!" said a familiar voice behind her. She turned, startled. There was her father standing behind, large and jovial, a huge grin spreading on his features. "Goldenbird!" 

Kathryn threw herself into the man's arms. "Daddy!" The man hugged her momentarily, dropping one kiss on the top of her head. 

"Careful, my Kathryn," the man said, pushing her away. "I cannot hold you too long. This form I take is only transitory." 

"Daddy?" cried Kathryn, with a hint of desperation. 

"Aren't you going to introduce me?" said the man looking towards Chakotay in an attempt to deflect Kathryn from a burst of emotion. 

Kathryn pulled herself together and told herself that this wasn't quite real. However, she should make the most of the moment. 

"This is Chakotay. My…husband. Chakotay, this is my father." 

"Edward," the man supplied, shaking Chakotay's hand. "Welcome to the family. This is a special day for you." 

"You know?" asked Kathryn in surprise. 

"That you've promised yourselves to each other today? Yes, I know. Your mother would be proud." 

Kathryn's emotions threatened to engulf her as she thought of her mother, who surely must believe her dead. 

"Mother…do you know how she is?" 

"She misses you. But she hasn't given up hope and Phoebe is a great comfort. One day, perhaps you will have a chance introduce your young man to her." 

"We're marooned on a planet thousands of light years from earth. We've contracted a virus…" 

"I know, Goldenbird. I know. But you must not give up on the future. You were always destined for greatness. There is much yet for you to do." 

The image wavered. "Don't go yet, daddy," Kathryn cried in panic. 

"I must," said Edward gently. "This is not the plane of my existence. I must go back." He looked at Chakotay. "Take good care of my daughter." 

"I will," Chakotay promised sincerely. 

Edward nodded. "I see you love her. You are well matched." He turned back to Kathryn. "Make the most of your time here, but do not get too comfortable. You should take my grandchildren back to earth. Their grandmother should see them…" 

"But we can't…" Kathryn was about to explain that there was no way they could leave the planet now, and no way they'd risk having a child that would be condemned to live alone, but he was gone. The blackness of the night crowded around them. Suddenly, she felt bereft. There was so much she would have liked to have asked her father. 

They both sat back, their hands falling away from the akoonah. Chakotay could hardly see her face in the darkness now, but he left her to her thoughts for a while. He knew it would have been an unsettling experience for her to speak with her father. 

When he heard a slight sob from her, he pulled her into his arms. 

"Was that for real, Chakotay? Or did I just imagine I saw him?" 

"I saw the same thing. You must come to your own conclusions as to the significance of what you have seen." 

Kathryn nodded. "And your father and grandfather…I'm not sure they approved." 

"Ah, trust me, you definitely had their approval. That was high praise from both of them." 

"But your grandfather seemed to be warning you…" 

"That you are stubborn? Tell me something I didn't know already." She smiled her response. "And I love you for it," he added, kissing her on the brow. 

Her eyes glinted in amusement through the darkness, and he took that moment to begin to distract her, something at which he was getting very adept. He bent his head and brought his lips softly to hers. His hands began their familiar dance around her body. Pushing the akoonah aside, he lowered her onto the rug and began exploring with his lips. Slowly, tenderly, they came together in the darkness, sealing their union by making love under the early stars, the universe witness once again to the deep connection between them. 

Afterwards, they gathered up their belongings and walked back down the mountainside following the same path they'd used earlier. They walked in companionable silence, arm-in-arm. Their other hands stretched forward to shine beams on the path before them, lighting the way back to their house. 

* * *

  


Three more blissful days passed, until Tuvok's crackling voice came over the comm.. Kathryn and Chakotay looked at each other in shock at the news that Voyager was coming back for them, armed with a cure for the virus that had stranded them on the planet. Kathryn turned white as a sheet, and Chakotay saw her complete devastation. His own would wait for later, as he concerned himself with her distress. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he felt that she would not throw away something as beautiful as the relationship they had forged here. He would find a way to persuade her to put protocol aside. They would work it out. 

She ran outside and stood taking deep lungfuls of the soft air as she tried calm herself. Chakotay followed, worried desperately by her reaction. 

Her back was to him as he approached her. He could see her shaking and he put his hands on her shoulders. She turned into him and dropped her head, sobbing on his chest. 

"We're going to lose all this… We have to go back…" 

"It's true, we have to leave this," he soothed. "And beautiful though this planet is, home is even more beautiful. It's a good thing, Kathryn. It's what you wanted…to go back." 

"I know. I did…before…" she sobbed. 

"In the long term, it will be better for us to be back among our own kind." He almost laughed at himself. It had been she that took that attitude when they were first stranded. "You will have Voyager back. You can look forward to seeing your family again. Your friends. Neither one of us will have to face the eventual prospect of being left quite alone." 

"I know…but I don't want to lose…us." 

"You don't have to. We can take away the most special part of our stay here…our relationship. We don't have to leave that here on this planet. Think of the last few weeks as our honeymoon. It's been absolutely wonderful, but now we have to get back to work. We'll still have each other." 

"I can't do both…be your lover and be the Captain. Both are totally consuming. There is only so much of me to share around." 

"Shh!" he said, hugging her closer. "We'll work it out. We'll find a way, I promise." 

He kissed the top of her head, as he felt her tears flow freely. They only made love once after that and Kathryn didn't climax. She was far too tense, and Chakotay sensed not to push it. Instead he held her in his arms, whispering his love and encouragement. They rose early the next morning and quietly packed up their belongings. The mood was almost funereal. 

It was so very hard to leave. 


	3. Chapter 3

The following evening, he found himself back on Voyager in her quarters, facing a woman who had made up her mind and refused to be budged. The Captain, who had been decidedly absent during the last few weeks on New Earth, was back with a vengeance. She was pacing the room, having explained to him that their relationship couldn't continue. 

The decision hadn't been taken easily, he noted. Her eyes were puffy and her voice held a slight tremor. But her back was straight and posture rigid. This was going to be one difficult argument. He still could not believe that she would let go of something so beautiful. 

"This is the only way, Chakotay." 

"The only way for you, you mean." 

Kathryn hung her head. She didn't want to hurt him, but she couldn't see any way she could give herself whole-heartedly to being the best Captain she could be and devote herself to getting her crew home, unless she gave Chakotay up. It was her cross to bear. She had stranded over a hundred and forty people out there, and she had to accept the consequences. "You agreed…" 

"I agreed…I just never thought we'd be rescued. I thought we'd never have to face this…" he said, trying to keep the frustration from his voice. 

"But we have." 

"And I just never thought it would hurt so much." 

"Chakotay, this is destroying me too. Don't think you're the only one that's hurting…" 

"Then change your mind. Give this a go." 

"I can't. I have to give one hundred percent of my time, my energy to being the Captain." 

"Maybe if you eased off a bit, if you cut yourself some slack, you would actually find yourself more effective…" 

"No," she shook her head. "No…I'd lose my focus." 

"How do you know unless you try?" 

"Chakotay…I'm losing it now. Don't you think the way we've been arguing is distracting? And we would argue…" 

"We always make it up. We have a solid relationship and a deep respect for each other." 

She threw him an exasperated look. He just wasn't seeing her point of view at all. This was hard enough without having to fight him all the way on it. "This is not going to happen. You're just going to have to accept my decision." 

"You think I'm going to let something…this wonderful go without a fight?" 

Her eyes met his sadly. "I guess not," she managed. "Just imagine…if we were together…or heaven forbid had a child…imagine the leverage that would give any hostile aliens. It would make us extremely vulnerable as a command team. They could torture one of us to get the command codes out of the other…" 

"They could do that anyway." 

"But a known relationship would increase the likelihood." 

"There are risks involved. I understand that. We all take that risk when we sign up, when we leave the comfort of our home planet and venture out into hostile space. But I'm not going to throw away what we have because something dreadful might happen in the future…" 

"Then there's Mark, or have you forgotten?" 

"What about him?" 

"I'm still technically engaged to him." 

"A man sixty-thousand light years away who probably thinks you are dead! I didn't see you giving him much thought down on the planet." 

"That's because it looked as if we'd never get home. But now…" 

"Now, we're still a long way from home. By the time we get there, we'll be old. He'll have moved on, you know he will." 

"I know that. Don't you think I know that?" 

"Besides, in my book, we're married…which counts for more than an engagement." 

"It wasn't legal." 

"A mere technicality. I meant every word of my vows." 

"And so did I. I made promises that held for while we were on that planet. And I meant it when I promised myself to Mark." 

"Don't tell me you're still in love with him, because I know you're not. You would never have given yourself to me with such abandon if you were. You would never have loved me with such intensity." 

Kathryn looked at him with a slight show of resentment, as if he should not dismiss Mark so lightly. "No, I'm not in love with him anymore. But that doesn't mean I don't care about him…very deeply." 

"Well, at least that's honest. If we got home tomorrow, would you marry him?" 

Kathryn thought for only a few moments. "No. Not when I love you so much. Not after what's happened." 

"Then don't throw Mark into the mix. He has nothing to do with this." 

"You don't understand. He has everything to do with how this plays out emotionally. I can't tell him. There's no way of contacting him. And unless I do, I have no closure over the relationship." 

"You can't let go!" said Chakotay, angrily. "Everything to you is about getting home, isn't it? Why can't you live for the here and now? Why must you isolate yourself? Why do you choose to be so alone?" 

"Because I am the Captain. This is my burden to bear." 

* * *

  


Kathryn was avoiding him, this much he knew. And whenever they were together, excepting when dealing with matters related to the ship, the same arguments were tossed back and forth. He wanted their wonderful relationship to continue. He was adamant they could keep it from affecting the running of the ship. 

She refused to give an inch. The more he tackled her on the issue, the more she dug her heels in. She was the Captain, and as such had to devote herself to the task. She could not afford to be distracted. At the end of the day Kathryn was one single-minded, utterly focused woman, who was always devoted to her work. It was of course why she was a cut above the rest when it came to command. And it was after all one of the things he loved about her. Kathryn was truly committed and deeply caring. She could not bear to think that one day it could be said of her that she hadn't given it everything she'd got. Nor could she contemplate not being able to stand as witness to the service and character of the Maquis when they got home. Her testimony would have to be seen as unbiased and impartial, and being involved romantically with her First Officer would certainly put her good judgement into question. Chakotay thought that they could already be considered as romantically involved. This did not seem to concern her. She told him that it could be kept out of the logs and nobody aboard need ever know. 

Chakotay didn't want what happened on New Earth to be considered their dirty little secret. He was also adamant that the Maquis did not want her to put her happiness on hold for their sake. They had always accepted responsibility for their actions. The Alpha Quadrant was sixty years away, and who would care what had and had not transpired between the Captain and First Officer by then? If they got home sooner, then even Kathryn's word might not be enough to protect the Maquis from prosecution. 

He became more and more frustrated. The hurt of the initial rejection began to morph into resentment and anger. He wasn't sleeping, he wasn't eating. There was nowhere to go to hide from this. He had to spend much of the day in the presence of this woman he loved so much and it was agony. 

Ten days after their return to Voyager, he was an emotional wreck. The arguments stopped…he was so desolate that he was avoiding her. He could not take any more and didn't know how he could carry on as her First Officer. He could barely think straight, let alone make any reasonable command decisions. He couldn't see how he could carry on. 

For days he brooded, the resentment coiling in his gut. He almost began to question whether he loved her any more. He wasn't sure…there were so many conflicting emotions inside. 

And yet he did, because he knew a few soft words from her would change everything. They never came. He wondered how she could be so callous. It was as if she had hardened her heart towards him. Had she ever loved him? Was she ashamed to be involved with a wanted criminal? Did she think the relationship might jeopardise her precious Starfleet career? It was when these doubts began to take hold that he made his decision. He would have to leave the ship. He couldn't live like this. 

So he went to her quarters one evening, brushing past her surprise at his visit, and explained that he wished to be left on the next suitable civilised planet. 

He'd almost expected her to be relieved, but instead he had the satisfaction of seeing his Captain beg. 

"Chakotay, don't do this to me!" she pleaded. "I can't do this without you." 

"I rather thought that was the idea…that you do this without me." 

"Not without the best First Officer I could possibly ask for. And not without my true friend…" 

"Friend? I rather think your stubborn behaviour has ended our friendship." 

"Please say it hasn't. Oh G-d, Chakotay, you've no idea how much I depend on your friendship. I know we've been avoiding each other. Things have been a little raw…but eventually, when our feelings have subsided, I hope we can rebuild our friendship." 

"When our feelings have subsided? Huh! I honestly can't see that happening…because what I feel for you is too intense…too precious. It's going to always be in the way." 

"Please, Chakotay, try and find a way round this. You agreed to preserve our friendship above all else. And the ship needs you." She hesitated. "I need you…I really need you." 

"But not as a lover, not as a husband." 

"Not here, and not now." 

"Forgive me, Kathryn, but I thought what we had was very special." 

"It was." 

"I don't think I believe you anymore. I don't think it meant anything to you…" 

"It meant everything to me. Don't think for a moment that this isn't hurting me too." 

"We made promises to each other. I don't care if there were no witnesses! In my eyes you are my wife!" 

"And while we were on that planet that's who I was. But I am not that person here." 

"Have your feelings changed?" 

"No." 

"Are you ashamed of me? Is it beneath you to be the lover of an ex-Maquis criminal? Is that it?" 

"No!" she said vehemently. "G-d no! How can you think that?" 

"Then why, Kathryn? Give me one good reason why?" 

Her eyes held his with a long intense gaze. 

"Because I love you too much. And being the Captain of this ship is totally consuming. I have nothing left to offer you. You deserve better and I cannot allow myself the luxury…" 

"Targshit, Kathryn. We can do this together. The burden is ours to share." 

"Chakotay, you're just going to have to accept this is my decision to make…you can't force me into a relationship…" 

"I'm well aware of that!" he answered bitterly. 

"Until I lay down the burden of captaining this ship…if we get home tomorrow…" 

"You are not going to lay down the burden of captaining this ship and we are not going to get home tomorrow, or any day soon." 

She lifted her eyes again, her stubborn refusal to accept this view of their prospects very evident. "I have to remain positive. I have to focus on the ultimate goal of reaching earth. And I'm not going to settle for another sixty years out here…" 

"No. G-d forbid that we should settle for living our lives out here and actually be happy," he commented with sarcasm. 

Kathryn pursed her lips defiantly. "I am a long way from giving up on an early return." 

"And in the meantime?" 

"I am the Captain and I must do my duty as I see it." 

"And is there no room for the woman beneath to even breathe?" 

"We are not going over this again. I have made my decision. I cannot be involved with my First Officer. That is my final decision." 

"Then, I respectfully tender my resignation as First Officer effective as and when we reach a suitable civilised planet." 

"Chakotay, don't do this to me." 

"You're not giving me much choice." 

"You expect me to sleep with you just to keep you on the ship?" 

"No, I expect you to sleep with me because you love every moment when we come together…" 

"This is emotional blackmail!" 

"Don't you see? What you're doing to me is just as bad? I can't stay. I can't do this! Don't you think this is torturing me?" 

"Please don't abandon me. I need you… I need you so much… Our friendship can be salvaged from this." 

"Kathryn, I just don't see how." 

He'd turned his back and left her then, but the desperation in her eyes had haunted him. He really didn't want to abandon her or the ship. He didn't want to live out the rest of his life amongst strangers. But how could he stay, with his heart so twisted in agony? 


	4. Chapter 4

The following day, Kathryn had come to him with a suggestion. She'd clearly had a sleepless night from the haunted look on her face. She told him the EMH could perform a procedure to erase his most recent memories. She had been assured it would be quite safe, that his personality would remain intact, if only a few weeks of his life were eradicated. He would be able to function effectively as First Officer, and it could turn the clock back, restoring them to a point when their friendship was strong and true. 

Chakotay did not want to lose his wonderful memories nor did he want to forget that he loved her, but Kathryn told him that he could choose the moment from which he would wipe out his cognisance. At her suggestion, he could be taken back to a time when his feelings for her still ran deep, just before they had finally acted on their mutual attraction, to the point on New Earth when they were truly happy and growing closer by the day. Then maybe in the future, when they got home, the procedure could be reversed. 

He did not like the idea at first, but he slept on it. For the first time in days he saw a way out of the mental anguish. It was perhaps the only way he'd find peace, even if he lost the memory of something so beautiful. And he wouldn't have to abandon her. 

The thought of leaving her was almost too awful to contemplate. He'd promised to stay by her side long, long ago, before they'd become lovers and when their friendship was still in its infancy. If he left the ship, he'd still long for her. His heart would still ache for her and he'd hate that he'd left her to cope with the appalling burden of captaining Voyager alone. He'd hate himself for abandoning her, and emotionally he would probably not be any better off. Without him, she really would be alone. Tuvok cared deeply for her and she had a profound trust and respect for the Vulcan, but it was nothing compared to their own deep friendship. In his heart he understood some of her reasoning, and he also knew that she truly wanted them to be together. But not now and not here. 

If she felt she could not shoulder the burden of her Captaincy and be his partner in life, he had to accept it, because he could not force this on her. Moreover, he'd promised her needs would come first and he'd meant it. 

The following day, he talked at length to the EMH about the procedure, and satisfied himself that it could be done safely within any parameters he wished to set. His memories could also be fully restored by a reversal of the procedure. 

At the end of the day, he would make the sacrifice of his memories. He'd do it because of his love for her. How could he refuse her? 

Later, he went to her with his agreement. He found her sitting alone in her quarters just as she had spent most evenings since their return. It broke his heart to see her so alone. 

He had two stipulations. 

Firstly, if and when they got home, she would inform him that he had an implant, so that he could make a decision about having it removed. Her reaction to this was positive. She told him she would also inform him, if and when they abandoned their quest for home and were forced to settle on a planet somewhere. This went some way to appeasing him, but she also said that she intended to withhold such information, if he had by that time established another relationship. 

He could not envisage ever moving on to another relationship. Kathryn was his life, the other half of his heart, and he told her so. Nonetheless, she told him she wished him the freedom to move on if he wanted to. She didn't have the right to make him wait forever. He asked her what the situation would be if she was the one to find another relationship. She told him that wasn't going to happen. If she found herself unable to ignore protocol with the man who was her heart and soul, then she certainly wouldn't do so with any lesser mortal. 

His second stipulation was that B'Elanna understood the situation, and would also be able to inform him that he had the implant and could have it removed, if the circumstances merited it. He could trust B'Elanna to have his best interests at heart in a way he could not quite do with Kathryn. She would always have her own agenda. 

Kathryn readily agreed to both of his requests and left him to tell B'Elanna. 

* * *

  


B'Elanna had been livid when Chakotay explained the situation to her, and stormed off to see Janeway. She came back hours later, looking rather apologetic. 

"I tried for you, big brother, I really did." 

Chakotay looked up questioningly. 

"She's not going to budge." 

"No, she's not." 

"I'm afraid I called her some awful names. Emotionally crippled, heartless bitch, icy, frigid…" 

"Oh spirits, you didn't!" he cried in exasperation. 

"I'm afraid I did. And I'm really sorry. I wasn't very nice to her when I went in there, but when I calmed down we had a long discussion about it." 

"She's human, B'El. There's a hurting, vulnerable human being hidden under all that tough exterior." 

"I'm just beginning to realise that. She's terrified, Chakotay. Of moving on with you and moving on without you. She fears a loss of control over the emotional aspects of her life." 

"Tell me something I don't know." 

"And she's terrified of losing focus. She's genuinely convinced she cannot marry both roles." 

"She doesn't trust me enough to support her in every way, nor to leave our private lives off the bridge." 

"She fears her objectivity as Captain would be called into question and she seems convinced that the command structure will destroy your relationship or vice versa or both." Chakotay looked at B'Elanna mournfully. He'd already gleaned this from Kathryn. "Did you know she lost her fiancé?" 

"Mark? She thinks…" 

"No, not Mark. She was engaged to a man before him, when she was young. He died in the same shuttle accident as her father." 

"Justin Tighe? They were engaged?" 

"Yes." 

"Wow. She never told me that." 

"She blamed herself for their deaths, even though she was severely injured herself and there was little she could have done." 

"That's Kathryn all over, always blaming herself. That woman is her own worst enemy." 

B'Elanna nodded. "She told me she was unable to function for six months after their deaths…and she cannot put herself in that position again, not while she has responsibility for nearly a hundred and fifty lives. She cannot take the risk. Losing you would be devastating. I told her she was losing you now…wasn't she going to be devastated anyway? But, you see, it's a control issue. This way she feels in control, rather than circumstances controlling her. And six months, a year down the line losing you would be a hundred times worse. Then there's the guilt issue..." Chakotay rolled his eyes. "She blames herself for stranding us all out here." 

"Yes, she does." 

"Even if every one of us accepts she made the right decision on a humanitarian level. So she is sacrificing herself for the sake of her crew and to the goal of getting us all home, even if some of us haven't got a home to go to. She's giving herself up to the job of captaining this ship completely. She wants to dedicate herself to the task. She doesn't believe she has the right to be happy until this mission is over." 

"None of us is asking this of her. None of us. Nor would Starfleet, if they knew. Why doesn't she realise this?" 

B'Elanna swallowed. "It doesn't matter, Chakotay. She's asking it of herself." 

They fell silent, regarding each other miserably. Chakotay flopped backwards into the chair he was sitting in with a resigned sigh. 

"She's adamant she's not going to change her mind," B'Elanna whispered. 

After a long pause, Chakotay said, "I should thank you for trying." 

"I'm sorry I couldn't do more." B'Elanna bit her bottom lip thoughtfully. "Do you really have to go through with this? My advice to you is to be patient…give it some time. Maybe she'll change her mind when she realises how miserable the two of you are apart. If she loves you, as she assures me she does, maybe patience will pay off." 

"If I loved her less…" he said, choking as he left his comment hanging in the air. "Maybe I could handle it. But I can't. All we do is argue. We're avoiding each other, and that isn't healthy. It's going to destroy us. I have to do something. I don't want to leave the ship…so this is the only way." 

"I don't want you to leave the ship either," B'Elanna said with a sniff. 

"Then I have to go through with the surgery." 

"This is a big sacrifice she's asking of you." 

"It is, and she knows it." He screwed his eyes shut. "I don't want to forget the six happiest weeks of my life." 

B'Elanna reached out to lay a comforting hand on his knee. "Of course you don't." 

"I'm doing it for her. The Doctor says that I will still love her… I will feel as I did a few weeks ago. A kind of warm, comfortable admiration tinged with a sense of hopelessness. I dreamed. I always dreamed, but I never thought she would reciprocate. I guess that was a more comfortable place than where I am now." 

"She assures me that she will continue to love you. So I promise you that I will tell you the instant she has a change of heart, or we get home, whatever, so that you will have the option of reversing this. I will be your champion in this." 

"Thank-you." 

"The least I could do, big brother." 

"I suppose I will go about with that same hang-dog expression on my face that I used to have." 

"I guess you will." 

* * *

  


Two days later, Chakotay reported for surgery. Kathryn came by and thanked him for what he was doing with glazed eyes. He told her he was doing it for her, that he loved her enough to make this sacrifice…so that she would not be alone for the rest of the journey. 

She thanked him profusely, well aware of how much this sacrifice was costing him. She reiterated her promise that this need not be a permanent solution. If they got home and he was not in another relationship, she would tell him the truth and give him the opportunity to rebuild what they'd had together. Barely able to keep the tears from his eyes, he gave her his wedding ring for safe-keeping. 

Chakotay was adamant that he would not ever move on. She was the love of his life, the other half of his soul. She smiled sadly, kissed him chastely on the cheek and left before she broke into tears too. 

He lay back on the bio-bed with resignation and let the Doctor do his worst. 

When he woke, he had a slight headache. He felt rather confused and wondered how he had got into sick bay. Where was Kathryn? She would often be waiting at his side when he regained consciousness after some major trauma. Instead it was B'Elanna who came to see him later and offer him words of comfort. 

The last thing he could remember was being stranded on the planet in a storm, and Kathryn's equipment had been damaged. He remembered how upset she was, and how she felt she could not continue with her research. How had they been rescued? How had they got back to the ship? 

The Doctor explained that Tuvok had gone against orders and contacted the Vidiians to obtain a cure. He had now been fully treated, and would be able to return to work the following day. Kathryn was fit and well too, it seemed, and was already back on duty. 

Chakotay returned to his quarters experiencing the usual disorientation he had after being unconscious in sick bay for a while. That didn't surprise him. He noted idly that his personal belongings had been put back in their usual places and he presumed that B'Elanna must have done that for him. If he noticed that an awful lot of time had passed since he was last aware of the star-date, he put it down to his illness. 

Kathryn seemed fully recovered, but she was a little distant with him. He knew they had been getting very close on New Earth, and wondered if she was missing the idyll of life there as much as he was. Maybe she had some regrets that they had not had time to move beyond friendship before they'd been rescued. This he found rather intriguing. He would have to ask her about it. But life in the Delta Quadrant soon embroiled him in its incredible struggle and he never really did. A few weeks later, he was drawn in by a woman who had been part of the Borg collective. She had taken a rather complicated interest in him. Her name was Riley Frazier. 


	5. Chapter 5

Chakotay had known a lot of loss in his life, but this time what he felt more than anything was a sense of betrayal by his trusted friends. 

Kathryn had thrown his love away, and later committed a sin of omission by not telling him about their past. She had ruined his life, ended his relationship with Seven. B'Elanna hadn't been straight with him either, so he veered between anger at both women and a strange sense of longing for something long since lost. 

Strangely, he felt little remorse over Seven's departure, although he wondered if in the days to come he would surface from the emotional turmoil in which he was embroiled and regret letting her walk out on him. 

He tried to contact all possible addresses for Kathryn to no avail. He even visited her mother's home in Indiana, but was not received all that graciously. He met a similar response with her sister. He knew there were other living relatives, but first names were not enough to find their whereabouts. 

On the third day after Seven left, he went to see B'Elanna. 

She took one look at him and knew instantly something was very wrong. She sent Tom away with Miral so they could talk. She could read his anger clearly, and she didn't want Miral interfering with their conversation nor for the child to be upset if things got heated. Once she was aware of the personal nature of his problem, and that it involved private information about Kathryn, she didn't want Tom to overhear it either. 

"What's happened, Chakotay?" a concerned B'Elanna asked him. 

"What hasn't happened more to the point," Chakotay answered huffily. 

"Well, why don't you sit down and tell me?" 

B'Elanna sat down in the lounge of their new home, but Chakotay continued to pace the floor. 

"I have discovered that my best friend and former lover betrayed me. Someone I thought I could trust has been lying to me for years. And then I realise that my other best friend knew about this all along, and never had the guts to tell me either." 

"Oh!" said B'Elanna, paling. 

"On top of that, my fiancée has realised that my feelings for her are not quite what they ought to be and walked out on me." 

"Now wait a minute…" 

"The wedding's off, B'E!" 

"This is about Kathryn, right?" 

"Got it in one!" 

"She's been lying to you?" B'Elanna asked, trying to sound innocent and not quite willing to stir the mud if there was no mud to stir. 

"You've both been lying to me. We were lovers on New Earth, weren't we? I remember it all!" 

B'Elanna knew now the gloves were off. There were no more secrets to guard. "You dragged me into this, if you remember. I would far rather have been left in the dark about what happened between the two of you on that planet." 

"You promised, B'Elanna." 

"What do you mean?" 

"You promised to tell me the truth when we got home." 

B'Elanna cringed at this. She had promised. "You were with Seven," she said simply. 

"We'd hardly had any dates by then." 

"No, but you seemed happy. And when you got engaged, I was sure we'd made the right choice." 

"We?" He glared at her accusingly. 

"Yes, Kathryn came to me and discussed it....when we arrived back in the Alpha Quadrant. You'd started dating Seven and she didn't want to upset things. She thought it was for the best, and I suppose I agreed." 

"The two of you decided my future without even telling me?" he stormed. 

"Look, if it was the wrong decision, I apologise, but you and Seven seemed to be getting on rather well. It would have been the very worst moment to have dumped this on you. If you'd broken up, I might have thought differently." 

"I trusted you to hold my best interests at heart." 

"I did what I thought was in your best interest." 

"You gave in to Kathryn, you mean. I expected you to be on my side." 

"I'm sorry. I tried to do what was best for you. We both thought you were building a new life with Seven." 

"What gave you the right to decide which woman would make me happier? Didn't I deserve the chance to decide for myself?" 

"I suppose you did," B'Elanna conceded in shame. 

"Thanks to the pair of you I've lost everything." 

"Look, Seven's a rational woman. These things happened years ago. If you explain to her…" 

"Explain to her? How the hell do you explain to a woman why you shout someone else's name in the heat of the moment?" 

"You did that?" asked B'Elanna, eyes widening. 

"Yes," he confessed. "Unfortunately more than once." 

"I see. So Seven's…" 

"Packed her bags and gone for good." 

"I'm so sorry, Chakotay." B'Elanna looked at him sadly, wondering whether he was ready to accept a comforting hug. The fire in his eyes suggested he wasn't. 

"And you know what takes the cake? I'm not sorry she's gone. It's not her I want back." B'Elanna's eyes filled with understanding. "I'm mad as hell at Kathryn. She took away something so wonderful. But I know that deep down what I really want is to get her back. I still love her." 

"She still loves you," B'Elanna said simply. 

"Are you sure?" 

"As sure as I can be." 

"Then why didn't she tell me? Why did she let me walk off the ship with Seven?" 

"Because she thought you were falling for Seven. She thought that, if it came to a choice between the two of them, there'd be no contest. Seven would win hands down." 

Chakotay looked at B'Elanna as if he couldn't believe this was for real, but he saw she meant it. "Spirits, why can't that woman realise how damned attractive she is? She's beautiful, brilliant, infuriating, stubborn…and totally naïve at times. How the hell did she manage to captain a starship with so little self-confidence?" 

B'Elanna looked wistful. "You know she's a very different person in private from in public. Her public persona is larger than life. She's a natural and charismatic leader, someone who truly inspires those around her. But in private…she's had a number of severe blows in her romantic life, and strong woman though she is, it takes a lot for her to let people in." Chakotay nodded. This he knew. "She'd sacrifice her life for the people she cares about without hesitation," continued B'Elanna. "How would she be any less willing to sacrifice her own happiness if she thought it was necessary?" B'Elanna had clearly come a long way in her respect and understanding of Kathryn in the last six years. Most probably the conversation she'd had with her when they returned from New Earth had led to a deeper understanding between the two of them. 

"Was it necessary?" 

"She thought it was, and that's all you can hold against her. Why don't you sit down?" B'Elanna said gently. "You'll wear out the carpet." 

Chakotay let out a long sigh and stopped his pacing, dumping himself in an armchair. 

"You know, you and I might not be free if she hadn't stuck to her principles. It was her testimony that kept us out of prison."

"I know that. It haunts me every day, but I know it to be the truth. But none of us ever asked her to sacrifice herself on our behalf." 

"No we didn't, but she took it upon herself anyway. It took me a while, but I realised she valued the Maquis part of her crew just as she did the Starfleet." 

"Who knows if her sacrifice was worth it?" 

"We're alive and we're free. I'm sure she'd say it was." 

"We'll never know what would have happened if she and I had stayed together." 

"Too many _if onlys!_ Life is like that. You must seize what life has dealt you and make the best of it. How did you find out anyway?" B'Elanna queried, unable to keep the curiosity from her voice. 

"I...um...started having flashbacks. Disturbed nights. It got so bad I knew something was very wrong. So I went for a cerebral scan...and the doctor found the implant. It was malfunctioning. I could have had it repaired...it would have been easier if I had. Seven certainly wouldn't have left me. But I had to know. I realised the memories had to do with Kathryn, and at the end of the day she means so much to me that I just had to know." 

"And you have all your memories back?" 

"As far as I know. I can remember everything that happened on the planet and the terrible fights back on Voyager. I remember how devastated I was that Kathryn had finished things. I remember thinking the only way out was to leave the ship. But I couldn't even do that." 

"I'm glad you didn't leave the ship, Chakotay." 

"I'm glad too. But the price I paid was terrible." 

"It's a long time ago now, and circumstances are very different. You aren't in that impossible position any longer!" 

"No, I'm not." 

"You're sure you want her back?" 

"As sure as I need my next breath. Maybe I'm insane. Maybe I'm a complete idiot. But the truth is I've realised that what I lost when Seven left was as nothing compared to what I lost six years ago. Did you know Kathryn and I went through a sort of wedding ceremony? In my eyes, we were married." 

B'Elanna gasped. "I never knew that." 

"I always loved her…even when I'd forgotten what had been. We were always drawn to each other. There was always a special connection between us. For a long time I hoped for more, even if it had to wait till we got home. It wasn't really until she had her own memories wiped on Quarra that I seriously tried to move on." B'Elanna nodded at this unsurprising piece of information. "She was so happy there with that…that man…" 

"Jaffen?" 

"Yes. I saw the real carefree Kathryn there. Now I know I'd seen the real carefree Kathryn before." 

"She'd had her memories wiped just as you had. You can't blame her for what happened on Quarra. I'd even forgotten I was married to Tom. I didn't even recognise him down there." 

"No…but she looked regretful when she got back, as if she'd lost something precious. It stung me badly." 

"If it's any comfort, I don't think it was her relationship with Jaffen that saddened her. It was losing you that really hurt her." 

"She didn't lose me. She threw me away!" he huffed. 

"She did what she felt she had to do. You and I may not have agreed with it, but she lost you just as surely as you lost her. She regarded it as a sacrifice she had to make until she had got the crew home. She hurt, Chakotay! She hurt real bad. Trust me, I saw what it did to her every time you were with another woman. She once told me she wished she could have washed away her pain as easily as you had." 

This surprised Chakotay and he allowed it to encourage him a little. 

"My advice to you is to go in gently," continued B'Elanna. If you go in with phasers on stun, you'll just succeed in alienating her. The shields will go up, and she'll retreat where you can't touch her. Trust me, she's hurting pretty badly about all this too." 

"First I have to find her. Starfleet say she's on indefinite leave." 

"She did mention that." 

"Have you seen her? Do you know where she is? Her mother and sister are refusing to tell me. I don't think she's in Indiana, because I watched the house for a while." 

"Kahless, Chakotay, you've got it bad." 

He regarded B'Elanna miserably, slightly ashamed that this smacked of stalking his ex-lover. 

"No, I haven't seen her for months," continued B'Elanna. "Not since soon after debriefings. To tell you the truth, Tom and I have been a bit worried about her. All the press conferences and dinner speeches must have taken their toll. Starfleet led her through one hell of circus." 

"I know her family have a house up at Lake George. Maybe she's gone there. But I don't have an address." 

"There's only one large settlement. It can't be that difficult to find." 

"But maybe the house is out on its own somewhere, in the middle of nowhere." 

"I'll talk to Tom's dad. He's been a friend of the Janeways for a long time. Maybe he'll have some idea where to look." 

"Thank-you." 

"I'll let you know if I find out anything. But remember what I said! Don't go in with phasers charged!" 

"I'll try not to." 

"Now would you like to stay for a meal?" 

Chakotay smiled. Truth was he was feeling rather hungry. He hadn't really eaten anything for forty-eight hours. His spirits had lifted a little, and the thought of some banal banter with Tom and some play with Miral was suddenly rather appealing. 

* * *

  


Whilst Chakotay waited for news, he packed up his things in the home he and Seven had shared. He didn't want to stay there and wallow in those particular memories. 

Feeling somewhat directionless, he endeavoured to go on a vision quest, so he settled down the following afternoon with his akoonah. 

A few deep breaths later, he found himself back on Dorvan, in the same clearing near his village that he had seen on many previous vision quests. He hoped his animal guide would come, or one of his relatives. He sorely needed their guidance now. 

After a long wait, in which he tried to relax himself, his father walked into view. 

"You are troubled, son?" asked Kolopak. 

"My life is in ruins. My best friend has betrayed me." 

"Indeed? This is the source of your sorrow?" 

"The woman I brought to meet you and Grandfather." 

Kolopak nodded. "A complicated woman. You are angry with her. She made decisions you did not accept." 

"She left me, Father." 

"She did not leave you! You threatened to leave her!" 

Chakotay was somewhat put out by this. "She ended our relationship." 

"She put the relationship on hold. The two of you had the blessings of the spirits. Why did you not have more faith in that? She was the wife of your heart!" 

"I couldn't do it. I couldn't sit beside her every day and not be with her in every sense of the word." 

"Have you forgotten the peace she gave you? Are you still the Angry Warrior you were before you met her?" Kolopak paused and surveyed his son with a stern eye. "You should have been stronger and more patient. You terrified her. If you had left her, she would have been all alone." 

Chakotay hung his head. He couldn't accept that he was to blame for any of this, but maybe he could have tried harder to see Kathryn's point of view. "There is more to a relationship than just sex, Chakotay, although I will allow that it is important to a young man. There's companionship, friendship, trust…" 

"She broke my trust." 

"Tsk! Remember, you told her she was your peace! Why doesn't your faith shine brighter?" Kolopak paced for a while. "You should have been more patient. You should have waited for your free-spirited woman to come around! You should have trusted in her love for you instead of doubting it, and put her needs first. Then she would have seen how much you loved her and how futile it was for you not to be together. Instead she thinks your love for her is gone." 

"And is her love for me gone?" 

"Only she can tell you that. Is that why you are here? To ask the spirits if she still loves you? Why do you always seek the easy route? You must go to her and seek those answers yourself!" 

Chakotay sighed. "I need to know my own heart, Father. 

"Chakotay, search yourself. You already do." 

"I need to know if going after my heart's desire will just cause further unhappiness." 

"So many questions! I cannot answer them all. That would be too easy. I can tell you what is, and what was, but not what will be. You have to fight your own battles, son." 

* * *

  


The following day, B'Elanna called through with an address for the Janeway cabin at Lake George, and Chakotay took himself up there with high hopes of finding Kathryn. To his dismay, it was shut up and showed no signs of having been recently occupied. 

He wandered about aimlessly. The cabin itself was a little isolated, although there were other homes nearby. A few enquiries brought no news. They were all occupied by vacationers, none of who had been there for very long. Nobody had seen any visitors to the Janeway lodge. 

Despondent, he wandered up and down the shoreline for hours, contemplating his next move. He was just about out of options. Finally he stumbled upon a small café, and he went inside to order a salad and a mug of tea. 

Sitting at a table, he stared forlornly into the brown liquid drink, stirring it incessantly with a spoon. Why on earth was he on this wild goose chase? If Kathryn wanted to be found, he'd have some clue already as to her whereabouts. He'd sent numerous messages to her, all of which had gone unanswered. He was pathetic and ridiculous. 

He was unaware that he had been watched for sometime, until a man came up with a mug of coffee and sat down opposite him. 

He looked up and took in the man's rugged features. He was an old, bearded fisherman, wearing a bright yellow oilskin jacket, looking as if he had stepped right out of the twentieth century. 

"Commander Chakotay, I presume?" 

"It's just Chakotay now. I resigned my commission." 

The man nodded, his piercing blue eyes twinkling thoughtfully. 

"Looking for Admiral Janeway?" 

"Have you seen her?" 

"She's mmm…not here." 

"No. I can see that." 

"Was here, though." 

"When?" 

"Mmmm…four weeks, maybe five." 

"Where did she go?" 

"Dunno. Media circus drove her away. Right sorry for her, I was. They were all over her. She could barely leave the house." Chakotay nodded. He knew what it had been like. "Probably went home to Indiana." 

"She's not there. I've already checked that out." 

"Well, can't help you then. S'all I know." 

"If you think of anything," Chakotay said, holding out his hand, "Mr….?" 

"Sharkey. Michael Sharkey," said the man, taking Chakotay's hand and shaking it. "I'll let you know." 

"Have you been around here long?" 

"Lived here all my life. Never gone anywhere. Mm, not me. People come and people go. Not me. I been here all my life." 

"Do you know the Janeways?" 

"Yes…mm. They came every summer when the nippers were small. They're grown now. Katie and Phoebe. Two lively lasses, they were. You tried Phoebe? Maybe that's where Kathryn be." 

"I tried Phoebe. No luck." 

"Too bad." 

"Know of any Aunts, Uncles?" 

"There was an Aunt Martha and an Aunt Dorothy, a few cousins. Don't know any names though." No news there. 

"Can I give you my comm. signature?" Chakotay scribbled on the corner of a serviette. "If you could let me know if any of them come here?" 

"You wouldn't be meaning her any harm now, would you?" 

"Of course not. She and I were very close." 

The fisherman rose, accepting the scrap of paper with a gruff nod. "I'll leave you to your thoughts." He started away, before half-turning back as an idea struck. "There was a winter chalet. They didn't ski round here. Only sailed the lake. Sometimes watersports. Went elsewhere to ski." 

"Where did they go?" Chakotay asked in excitement. 

"Mountains in Canada. You ask Maria Linnett downtown. She used to be friends with Phoebe and went with them at least twice." 


	6. Chapter 6

Chakotay had come across the remote lodge before midday after a long gruelling walk up the mountainside. He had had to transport in to a station in the nearest town, fifty miles away and then catch a land bus for a further two hour journey to reach the village in the valley by the foot of the mountain. The final part had to be undertaken by foot, and Maria's directions hadn't extended that far. He'd had to ask further advice from the villagers. It had taken another three hours to reach the isolated building. Even if he'd had access to a shuttle, the nearest he could have landed it would have been at the bottom of the valley and he'd still have had the long climb. For a moment he regretted no longer being in Starfleet and having access to their versatile transporters. 

It was remote, but it was idyllically beautiful. The chalet itself was surrounded by forest, thinned in places for ski-runs. Behind it were the peaks of three breath-taking mountains, each with a snowy head. The tree line was not far from where he now stood, and he supposed that the trees afforded some sort of shelter from the winds for the area surrounding the lodge. It stood in a clearing, with a broad porch on one side facing the incredible view and sporting a swinging chair that would seat three people. There was a decidedly cold nip in the air for early September, and he realised it would not be many weeks before the area would be shrouded in snow. 

In the clearing, he noticed some chopped wood…evidently log fires were the norm here…and a small garden of alpine flowers, mostly past their best. There were also the remains of a vegetable patch. 

A slight trail of smoke from the chimney suggested the lodge was occupied, and Chakotay approached cautiously and knocked on the door. There was no answer, but the door pushed open at his touch. It was not secured against intruders. 

Chakotay walked in with trepidation and glanced around. It was dark inside, the timber-clad walls only broken by small glass windows. He called her name a few times, but there was no response. The chalet appeared to be unoccupied for the moment. 

There were signs of an uneaten breakfast on the table, and some drooping mountain flowers in a vase. The grate held the embers of a fire that had been built the evening before, and a luxurious white rug lay before it. The room was sparsely furnished, but what was there was well built and comfortable. There was an expensive sofa flanked by two matching armchairs, and a shining wooden coffee table in the centre. In the corner, there was a communications console, so whoever lived here was not completely cut off from the universe, he realised. Activating the console, he noticed numerous messages for Admiral Janeway. There were a number from himself, but they were unopened. He sighed in frustration. Why did the woman have to make things so difficult between them? 

He wandered through into the kitchen, aware now that he had at least discovered where she had been last night. The cooler had some food stored within, which suggested she intended to be back. There was a line of dirty coffee cups standing by the sink. There was also a replicator, he noticed. The occupants of the cabin would not need civilisation in order to feed themselves. On the floor was a dog bowl surrounded by the detritus of a messy doggy breakfast. It made Chakotay smile. She had found something to ease her loneliness. 

The final room downstairs was the bathroom, which had every modern convenience. Clearly, the Janeway family did not intend to rough it however isolated their dwelling. He took the opportunity to use the facilities. 

He ascended the wooden staircase to the upper level. There was a small landing which led to two bedrooms built under the eaves with sloping ceilings. One was clearly a spare room at present, and had two single beds. He closed his eyes and imagined Kathryn and Phoebe as youngsters staying here, pulling aside the faded curtains to gaze at the blanket of snow, full of wild excitement at the prospect of winter sports and building snowmen. 

The other bedroom had been recently used. There was faint waft of perfume that he recognised as distinctly Kathryn's. The bed had been made, but the wardrobe held woman's clothes. There were only two pictures in the room: one of Phoebe and her husband and children, the other of Gretchen. There were none on Voyager, he noted sadly. She used to have some in her quarters, but maybe those memories were too painful now. 

He began to realise he was intruding on her personal space, and returned to the lower level. The place seemed to emanate sadness, which thankfully took the sting out of his anger with Kathryn. The mood seemed to permeate his own psyche, and he felt his own melancholy well up. The long walk had done wonders in taking the edge of his anger. It had given him the chance to think, to organise his thoughts. B'Elanna was right. He couldn't greet her with phasers on stun. It would do the opposite of what he was ultimately hoping to achieve. The feelings churning deep in his gut were beginning to make sense. Bitter though he was, he wanted her back. 

He replicated himself a mug of tea and went to sit on the steps of the porch. There was slight cool breeze, bearable now, although he knew it would sting the eyes in a couple of weeks time. He drew a couple of sandwiches from his rucksack and ate them thoughtfully. He wondered how long he would have to wait. He tried hard to convince himself that she would be coming back. The signs from inside would suggest only that she intended a short absence. 

However, he found his patience sorely tried. It was gone four in the afternoon before there was any sign of life beyond the forest creatures. A golden ball of fur came bounding through the trees along the path which was a continuation of the one he had used earlier. On seeing Chakotay, the animal gambolled on its long legs across the clearing, barking furiously at the interloper that dared to tresspass on her precious territory. Chakotay stood as the animal, an Irish Setter, danced excitedly in front of him. He held out his hand so she could sniff it and tried to soothe her with soft words. He wished he was more at ease with dogs. 

Moments later, Kathryn herself appeared, her expression of guarded curiosity quickly changing to shock as she took in the identity of the stranger. 

"Chakotay!" 

"Kathryn!" he said, studying her carefully. He hadn't seen her since debriefings ended six months ago. She looked gaunt, haunted somehow. She'd clearly lost weight. Her hair had grown longer and had been whipped about by the mountain winds. The expression on her face suggested she was not pleased to see him. 

"Molly…it's alright, girl," she said, soothing the dog with a ruffle between the ears. "This is Chakotay." 

"Molly?" 

"Not the original. Her great-granddaughter actually." 

"I see. Pleased to meet you Molly," he said, reaching his hand forward again, to allow her to sniff him. "I hope we can be friends." The dog had calmed now, and was beginning to accept that the man was not an threat. 

"How did you…?" began Kathryn. 

"I worked it out. You've been very elusive." 

"That was the intention." She stomped past him and entered the lodge. "I suppose you'd better come in." 

He followed her back into the lodge with a sigh. Not quite the welcome he'd hoped for, but at least it was a start. She went straight through into the kitchen to see to Molly's needs. 

Chakotay deposited his rucksack by the door and followed her through into the kitchen, where she was bending over the dog. "Can I get you a coffee?" 

"Please," said Kathryn. "There's a coffee machine on the side." 

Chakotay looked at the strange contraption sceptically. "Is that what this is?" 

"Yes." 

"I'm not sure how to use it." 

Kathryn sighed, obviously unwilling to offer any instructions. "Use the replicator then." 

He walked across and ordered a mug for each of them. 

Kathryn stood up, satisfied that Molly was happy and ran her fingers through her hair in an effort to tidy it. She tied it back behind her in a pony tail. She walked through to the lounge and removed her thick coat and hung it by the door. He put the two mugs down onto the coffee table then removed his own jacket. 

They sat down opposite each other. 

"What brings you here?" 

"I need a reason to see my friend?" 

Kathryn pursed her lips as if she didn't agree with this statement. 

He shifted uncomfortably. He didn't know how he was going to say this. A few hours ago, he'd have come right out with it, full of blistering anger, but he'd had time to calm himself. 

"If it's to ask me again to the wedding, I thought I'd made it clear…" 

"The wedding's off." 

"Oh?" She looked genuinely surprised. 

"Seven and I have split up." 

"Permanently?" 

"Yes." 

"I'm sorry." 

"So you should be," he said bitterly. Her eyes registered confusion. "It's your fault." 

"My fault? I don't see my staying away should have anything to do with…" 

"I know, Kathryn," he said simply. 

She raised her eyebrow, for a moment not quite comprehending his full meaning. The gravity of his gaze set the wheels of her mind in motion. He watched in fascination as it finally dawned on her what he knew. The colour, what there was of it, drained from her face. 

"Oh." 

"I went to a medical facility and had the implant removed." 

"Your memory is restored?" 

"Yes. I remember everything. New Earth. Coming back to Voyager. Our promises to each other by the edge of the canyon." He paused and Kathryn didn't seem inclined to respond. "You think I could go ahead and marry Seven, when I had all that in my heart? It wouldn't have been fair on her." 

"No…but it was a long time ago now." 

"You should have told me, Kathryn. When we got home. You promised." 

"I promised to tell you, if you weren't in a relationship by then. But you were and you seemed happy." 

"We'd only had a couple of dates. That could hardly be called a relationship. Besides, you didn't know. I hadn't told you." 

"I did know." 

"How the hell?" 

"The Admiral told me." He knew she meant her older self who had returned to bring Voyager home. "You married Seven in her timeline. I expected the same in ours." 

"That damn woman! What was her agenda?" 

"Your happiness. And Seven's, I imagine." 

"Spirits, no wonder she got to be such a bitter old woman." Chakotay sat back, exasperated. It made a lot of sense. "Even so, you should have told me. I had a right to know, dammit!" 

"I thought it was for the best. I thought you and Seven would be happy." 

He looked at her in disbelief. "How dare you presume to make the decision for me? Our happiness was doomed by your selfish, malicious actions years ago!" 

"You should never have known! There was no reason for you ever to find out! How did you, anyway?" 

"The device malfunctioned. I started having flashbacks. I saw you and me together…and let me tell you that did wonders for my love-life!" he said, with sarcasm. 

"I'm sorry. I did what I thought I had to do." 

"You and your precious protocol condemned me to loneliness." 

"I left you free to move on and you did." 

"Don't patronise me! We had the most wonderful thing going. Nothing…no-one else will ever come close. I loved you, for spirit's sake. I considered us married. If I'd gone ahead and married Seven, I would have considered the relationship as adulterous. Thank G-d, we weren't already married." 

"Blame me all you like. I know I hurt you. But I was sure you would build another life for yourself." 

"You had no right to run my life for me." 

"I'm sorry. I was selfish. I didn't want to lose you. You wanted to leave. I needed you on the ship as my friend and First Officer." 

"But not as a lover!" 

"No. Not there and not then." 

"You never had a good enough reason." 

"No. Maybe I didn't, but I could not see any other way forward." 

"We could have been together. We could have done it together." 

"And we'd have argued…I don't see how the strain of everyday life out there could have been prevented from coming between us. We'd have ended up destroying each other…barely talking." 

"I've got news for you! We are barely talking." 

"Okay. But you had the freedom to move on." 

"I loved you!" 

"I was the only woman on the planet. It's not surprising that you wanted me." 

"You think I only wanted you because you were the only woman on the planet?" 

"Yes!" 

"Kathryn, we went through this at the time! I had already loved you for a long time by then! It was strong and it was real. It was deeper than anything I have known." 

Kathryn closed her eyes in frustration. "Now who's patronising whom?" 

"What I feel…felt for Seven, was not a fraction of what I felt for you." 

"Felt being the operative word." 

"I may be very angry with you, but I still love you." 

She opened her eyes incredulously. "Three weeks after you were operated on, you took up with another woman. You were fawning all over that Riley Frazier. If anything was needed to convince me that I'd done the right thing, that was it! Don't tell me you loved me that deeply, because I know it's a lie." 

"She manipulated me!" he blustered. 

"But you still felt something for her!" 

"A passing interest, nothing more. Don't blame me for the emotions I had, when you had tampered with my memories. I never knew I had made any commitment to you. You stole that from me. I didn't remember the promises I made. Unlike you, who ran after men fully aware of the vows we made." 

"I did not run around after other men, as you put it." 

"You did. You're an irrepressible flirt. It hurt me, even without remembering our wedding." 

"We are not married. It wasn't legal." 

"But you had made promises nonetheless." 

"To Mark and to you. It was never that simple." 

"You've played the harlot. That's two hearts you've broken then." 

"Don't dump that on me. You didn't exactly have a great track record with women." 

"Huh!" 

"Were you sincere about Seven?" 

"Yes, I was. I know people thought it was ridiculous, but I was. I finally thought I'd gotten over you." 

"Let me talk to her then. I'll try to sort things out, tell her that everything that happened is all in the past. She shouldn't see me as a threat." 

"Don't you dare. Leave her out of this. I don't want her back. We're finished. There is no way I can marry her now feeling the way I do. She can't make me happy now. You've ruined any chance of that." 

"I'm sorry," she repeated. 

"You owed me the truth." 

"I thought it was for the best." 

"Everything you've ever done has been for yourself, Kathryn." 

She stood up. "You want to blame me? Go right ahead! Blame me for everything. I blame myself enough already, so it won't make any difference. I accept responsibility for everything. It is my fault! Okay?" 

"No, it's not okay. It's never going to be okay." 

"I'm sorry things didn't work out with Seven. If you give yourself a few weeks, maybe you'll feel differently. Give yourself a chance…" 

"No! I told you. I don't want to marry Seven anymore. Now I have my memories back, nobody else will ever measure up. You are the wife of my heart." 

She looked stunned at this. "What do you want, Chakotay? Why are you really here? We're not going to achieve anything by going over and over this." 

"I want you back." 

"We can't go back. It's too long ago. Too much has happened." 

"Wasn't it the most beautiful thing that ever happened to us?" 

Her face softened. "Yes, it was." 

"Yet you threw it away." 

"Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I never felt I had a choice." 

"Targshit, Kathryn, and you know it. If you'd just given us the time to adjust to being back on the ship…" 

"I didn't think that was fair on you." 

"You didn't think it was fair on me?" he spouted. 

"What's the use of going through all this? Why are you fretting over a love affair that's so long in the past? It's six years ago now. We can't turn the clock back. It can't ever be like that again. We're both different people now. We've both changed. We've both been too damaged by this." 

"You want me to feel sorry for you too?" 

"I lost as much as you. Don't think you have the monopoly on feeling hurt." 

"Forgive me, if I have no sympathy. This was all of your own choosing. I'm the victim here." 

Kathryn nodded sadly. "I think you'd better leave. I did too much damage to our relationship, I know that. I always hoped we'd stay friends, but even that seemed impossible after we got home." 

"Friends?" he snorted. "You were the one that hid yourself away, for heaven's sake. What the hell are you doing cowering out here?" 

She clasped her hands across her chest defensively. "Alright, I'll admit I've been protecting myself…from the media frenzy and everything. I needed time to come to terms with reaching earth, getting over the trauma of the last seven years, losing all of you…" 

"You didn't need to lose all of us. We could have stayed in contact. You didn't need to be alone." 

"I wanted to be alone." 

"I think you've been avoiding me since I started dating Seven." 

"Maybe I have." 

"I think you're jealous, that's why you couldn't bring yourself to accept the wedding invitation." 

"Oh, so that's such a crime, is it? Would you expect me to put in an appearance and look radiantly happy? I didn't have the strength to go through with it." 

"But I didn't know. I didn't understand why…because you had stolen my memories from me." 

"Look, I honestly don't know what you hope to achieve here. I told you, blame me all you like. Call me any vile names you want. It won't change the past." 

"No," he said simply. "But you owe me." 

"I owe you?" 

"Another shot at our relationship." 

Kathryn's eyebrows worked furiously. "You've come here expecting me to throw myself into your arms again?" 

"I think that's the least you could do." 

"Nobody ever owes anyone sex." 

This he conceded. "No…of course…I didn't mean… But you owe me a chance. To rebuild our relationship. You promised!" 

"And shouting at each other is going to work, is it?" 

He tried to calm himself down. He hadn't intended to lose his temper. "I'm sorry. I'm walking just a bit close to the edge right now." 

"Then I think you'd better leave. If we're just going to carry on hurling abuse at each other, we'll do even more damage than we already have." 

"No. You can't send me away now. It's late and it's getting dark. It's a three hour trek down to the village." She rolled her eyes. She knew this. "Besides, we've a lot to talk about. Don't think for a minute that I've finished." 

"I could call up a ship and have you transported…" 

"I know. But you won't. You owe me that much. I want to resolve this and we both know we're not going to solve our problems overnight. I'll back off a little. Give us both a chance to calm down. We can spend a pleasant evening together, I promise." 

She agreed reluctantly and there was a hardened look in her eyes that spoke of resentment at being put upon. "I'll go and make up a bed in the spare room." She started towards the stairs. 

"Thank-you. How about I fix us some dinner?" 

"Now, that is something I can agree to," she threw back with more enthusiasm. "Help yourself to anything you need. The cooler is full." 

"Right." She was several steps up the staircase before he added, "It was never just sex with us, Kathryn. It was always much much more." 

She inclined her head slightly, but did not respond. By the time she came back down, well over half an hour later, the dinner was baking in the oven, the table was set and the fire was roaring in the grate. Molly, discovering the warmth, had splayed herself out on the luxurious rug. Kathryn allowed a small smile at the domestic scene that greeted her. 

He did back off and they had a pleasant enough evening avoiding the issue. There was always much to discuss regarding the exploits of their former crew. Kathryn didn't linger long however, retiring early to her bed. He sat for a long time watching the flames dance from the logs. He knew harbouring resentment was going to do him no good. If he continued to be angry with her, he wouldn't stand a chance of getting through to her. He'd just push her farther away. 

He was more than ever certain now of what he wanted. It had slipped out earlier without his even thinking about it. He wanted her back. 

He still loved her. 


	7. Chapter 7

The following morning broke bright and clear, and Kathryn rose early to take the dog out. By the time Chakotay descended the stairs, she had been gone over an hour. He set to making a breakfast for her return. 

She did come back fairly soon after that, and appeared delighted to be greeted with fruit, fresh bread and preserves together with a steaming cup of coffee. 

She made a half-hearted attempt to persuade him to leave. He couldn't argue that the light was fading so early in the day, but he dug his heels in. He reminded her of the debt she owed him, that he intended to stay until they had resolved their problems, and she appeared to accept this. 

In the afternoon, Chakotay joined her in taking Molly out. They explored the surrounding forest and walked the edge of at least two unspoiled lakes. They did not encounter a single other human being. 

Kathryn was unnaturally quiet, he thought, and she certainly tensed if anything of a personal nature came under discussion. There was a certain sadness about her, and his appearance had not relieved it in any way. He suspected her of bordering upon depression, and became even more convinced he would have to go easy on her. Heated arguments weren't going to help matters at all, and he would have to try and tamp down the frustration and anger he felt over her behaviour. 

She did admit to feeling somewhat lost after the hullabaloo of their home-coming. It was hard to adjust to having nowhere to be, no sense of direction, no goal. As stressful as it was to face danger on a daily basis, she missed the demands of the Captain's chair. 

She missed her crew and she finally agreed she missed him. 

He pointed out to her that her isolation was of her own making. 

She told him she needed time alone, time to recover. She had taken indefinite leave, and would have to undertake psychological assessment before returning to space. 

Surprisingly, she did not seem in any hurry. She seemed to be accepting life as it was for the moment. Chakotay wondered where her fiery spirit had gone. He had his work cut out, he decided. He wasn't going to leave her in this state. 

"I'm still here for you," he told her, as they sat by the fire that evening. 

She looked at him sadly. "Chakotay, if I tell you I want to be alone, will you respect that?" 

"Eventually…when I'm sure you're alright. And when we've had our chance to try and work things out." 

"We can't go back. It can never be the same. We can't undo six years of history." 

"We can move on." She looked doubtful. "I still love you." 

"How can you…after everything? And after Seven?" 

"That's what this is all about, isn't it? You can't forgive me for dating Seven? That's why you've been so distant lately. We were fine…even until the last few weeks on Voyager." He suddenly realised something. Her coolness towards him stemmed from the Admiral's visit. "That's when she told you, didn't she?" 

"Who?" 

"The Admiral. She told you about Seven and me." 

"Yes." 

"We were the best of friends before that. And for years I'd hoped we'd be something more…never dreaming for an instant that we had once been lovers." 

"You got off the ship with Seven, which to me spelt out clearly in which direction you were headed." 

"You were jealous." 

"Yes, I was." 

"And you just let me go. You never gave a thought to telling me the truth." 

"It was when you started dating Seven that I knew you had stopped loving me. Why should I cast myself as some pathetic middle-aged woman who had made her own bed and now refused to lie in it? I didn't want your scorn or your pity." 

"So you condemned yourself to a life of loneliness and me to a marriage based on a lie just because of your own pride?" 

Her eyes sparked angrily now. "I told you, I just wanted you to be happy!" 

"And who are you to judge which of you would make me happy? It was not your right to make that decision!" 

"Well, I clearly hadn't made you happy in the past. Everything about your behaviour suggested to me that you had moved on." 

"We were married, Kathryn. In the eyes of the universe, if not the law. That meant everything to me. I stood there. I made those promises and I meant them. You let me drift off into an adulterous relationship because you hadn't the guts to tell me the truth!" 

"I'm sorry!" she cried, eyes pricking with tears now. "I thought it was for the best. Seven's a wonderful woman. How could she not make you happier than I could? She's young. She's beautiful." 

He looked at her incredulously. How could she not realise what an attractive woman she was? 

"She's not you. Not in a thousand years could she ever hold a candle to you!" He paused to let that thought sink in. "You are young and you are beautiful. Any man would be proud to have you at his side. **I** would be proud to have you at my side. Don't for a second think that Seven would have been the one I'd have chosen. She's just not in your league." Kathryn was staring at her feet, full of scepticism and he realised that nothing he could say would make her feel differently. Her trust in his feelings would have to be rebuilt, with long care and infinite patience. Ironic really. It should have been her begging him to take her back, not the other way round. 

"Did those promises we made mean anything to you?" he continued. "Or was that just another of your acts?" 

She glanced up now, surprised he would ask. "I meant them, Chakotay! Every word. How can you doubt that?" 

"I have to ask!" 

"There has never been anyone since you." 

It was his turn to feel surprised. "Nobody?" 

"No." 

"Kashyk?" 

"I did what was necessary to lull him into a false sense of security. I never slept with him." 

"Jaffen?" He mentioned the name that really hurt him, because she'd moved in with the man after only just meeting him and for a few days he'd seen a blissfully happy woman. 

"Norvellians don't have sex organs." 

"Oh!" Well, of course they didn't, he realised. He'd known that all along, but he was very curious as to what amounted to intimacy to a Norvellian. Now wasn't the time to pry. 

"Michael Sullivan?" 

"Oh pl-lease!" she said, rolling her eyes in exasperation. "A hologram? You really think I would stoop that low?" 

"So no-one?" 

"No." 

He backed off a little, rather encouraged by this. "Are you still in love with me?" he asked quietly, but afraid of her answer. 

"What do you want me to say?" 

"The truth, for once." 

She was silent for a long time, before bringing her eyes back to meet his. "Yes, I still love you." 

He breathed a sigh of relief. "Then there is hope for us." He reached a hand out to cup her beautiful face, but she backed away, unwilling to allow the contact. His heart sank. 

"We can't go…back…we can't…" 

And she fled upstairs. He didn't see her again that night. 

He tossed and turned all night, wondering how to reach out to her, how to break through this barrier she seemed to have erected around herself. 

When he woke up the next morning, rain was flooding from the skies. Molly was whining in the kitchen, scratching at the door to be allowed out. Kathryn had not fed her. 

In fact she was nowhere to be seen. 

He made himself a hot drink and saw to the dog. For a while he wandered about the lodge anxiously, gazing from the windows disbelievingly at the pouring rain. She hadn't taken a coat, he thought. She surely couldn't have gone far! 

As time ticked by, he became increasingly agitated. Kathryn had clearly taken herself off deliberately. It wasn't safe for her to stay out in this downpour. She had no shelter and no coat. 

Was she intending to come back? He didn't think she'd have left Molly like this, if she'd been thinking straight. 

Molly seemed to sense something was amiss, because she was fretting. She'd hardly eaten much of her breakfast, and was looking at him with faintly accusing eyes, as if she thought he should be doing something about her missing mistress, or that it was entirely his fault. 

He found himself talking to the dog, who whimpered in return. 

"Where is she? Where's your mistress? I know. I'm stupid. I shouldn't have shouted at her." 

He could have cursed himself for every time he'd raised his voice to her over the last two days. 

Finally, he could stand it no longer. He fetched Molly's lead and two coats, one of which he put into his rucksack. The other he put on. 

They set off and Molly was eager to sally forth, undeterred by the torrents falling from the sky. The rain hit them in stinging sheets, like icy needles blasting into them. How could Kathryn stay out in this? 

Within seconds, the water was creeping into his boots and soaking up his trouser legs. The coat was managing to keep some of him dry, but he knew that it would struggle to cope. 

Molly seemed to have a good idea which way to go, and she set off along the same path they had taken the day before. They pushed on for nearly a mile, through the drenched undergrowth and curtains of rain. He had to hope they were going in the right direction. 

"Find her Molly. Find Kathryn." 

The dog pushed on valiantly, propelling him forward, despite how her wet fur clung in thick clumps to her sleek body. 

The dark sky hung ominously over them. There would be no let up in this dreadful outpouring of nature's wrath any time soon. 

The path began to widen, and he realised they were nearing one of the lakes. He caught a glimpse of the dark moody water jumping under the press of the driving rain. The lake, which had yesterday seemed a clear blue pool of tranquillity, was today a seething mass of dark angry liquid. 

He glanced about. He was hard to see through the sheets of water. 

"Kathryn?" he called hopelessly, though his voice was thrown back at him. 

Molly barked. 

He glanced to the right. There was something there. What was it? A grey frozen statue staring out to sea? 

Molly barked again, pulling in that direction, and he followed. The figure turned to see them approach, then turned away again. It remained unmoving, eyes fixed and unseeing, gazing across the water. He knew it was her. 

His heart sank into his sodden boots. This could only mean one thing. She was bordering on depression as he had already begun to suspect. How could he reach out to her? How could he bring his Kathryn back? 

They reached her and Molly jumped up and down excitedly. Kathryn still remained frozen. The hair was dark, matted close to her head and falling in stalactites onto her shoulders. Rivulets of water streamed down onto her thin frame. Her thin green sweater clung to her skin, as did the folds of her skirt. 

"Kathryn?" he spoke gently. "Kathryn, are you alright? What are you doing out here? Without a coat?" She didn't answer him. She seemed barely aware he was there. Not even Molly was attracting her attention. 

He reached into his rucksack and pulled out the second coat, thankful that he'd had the presence of mind to bring it. With some difficulty he pushed her into it, then swept the drenched hair away from her face. For a moment he cupped her chin, turning her face towards him and willing her eyes to meet his. There was a vacancy about them, a horrid look of desolation. She was freezing cold, but what worried him was that she wasn't even shivering. Spirits, did the woman have a death wish? 

"Come on, let's get you home. Everything's going to be fine." 

He let Molly off her lead. He couldn't hold them both. He had to hope that the dog would follow them home. She had walked off her leash the day before and clearly knew her way around. She had found Kathryn, hadn't she? 

He put an arm protectively around Kathryn's shoulder and propelled her forward. He was thankful that she moved, because he didn't think he could carry her. Neither of them had a commbadge to effect communications and ask for transport. 

It was a long walk and they stumbled a couple of times. It reminded him of a trek long ago, when he brought her safely back to the shelter on New Earth during the plasma storm. 

It took awhile, but they finally reached the cabin, Molly shooting ahead of them to get out of the rain. 

As they entered the main room, the door whipped shut behind them with a clang. 

He turned to look at her and finally she shivered. 

"Let's get you out of these wet things!" he told her. "We'll run a warm shower…" 

She nodded. A response at last. 

He began pushing her towards the bathroom. "What were you thinking, Kathryn? Going out in that awful storm? Are you trying to scare me half to death?" 

Her eyebrows knitted. "No." 

"Then why did you go out there?" he asked, removing her coat and dropping it on the floor. 

"I had to get away...I had to think." 

"You don't have to run from me! I am the man who loves you!" Her head tilted slightly in response to this, and there was a faint flash of something undefinable in her eyes. He rubbed her arms briefly. "You're cold as ice! Computer activate shower, forty degrees." 

He turned her to face him and began undoing the buttons down her front, peeling the clinging sweater from her body as it reluctantly released her. 

He knelt down, pulled off her ruined boots and chucked them aside. Then he unfastened her skirt and pushed it down her legs. She stepped out of it, and was now looking somewhat forlorn in her bra and panties. Her hair still clung to her face, and tendrils of water were still streaming from the locks, forging their way onto her naked shoulders and running down her body. 

He smiled at her encouragingly, and reached a hand to the shower to test the temperature. 

"I can take it from here," she told him. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes." 

"I'll leave the door open. I'll just be next door, if you need me. I'm pretty handy at back scrubs, if you remember." 

There was a ghost of smile now. "I remember." 

"Right," he said, gathering all the sodden clothes. "I'll see to Molly." 

Kathryn nodded and he left her. Listening carefully, he heard her step into the shower. 

He threw the clothes into a recycler. Next, he filled the grate with fresh logs and used Kathryn's phaser to get the fire going quickly. Then he fetched some clean towels and used one to dry Molly off thoroughly. The dog still needed her coat brushed, but was content for now to bask in the warmth of the fire. 

Then he waited. He heard her get out of the shower, and bustle about for a while. She was fine he told himself, or she would be very soon. He needed a break. Some way to get through to her. Couldn't the universe make things go his way for once? 

She came through into the lounge, wrapped only in a white towel and sat herself down on the rug before the fire and beside Molly. Chakotay wondered at her apparent ease at being in his presence with so little covering her body. He produced a cup of warm broth and studied her carefully. She looked a little brighter, even if she wasn't meeting his gaze. Her hair was still damp, but clean now. Fetching another towel, he knelt beside her, pushing Molly aside, and rubbed at her wet hair. 

She was drinking the broth, he was pleased to see, and no longer shivering. 

"Better?" 

She nodded. 

"Maybe we should get the Doc…" 

"I'm fine," she managed. 

He rubbed her hair for a few more seconds, until satisfied it was well on the way to being dry. 

He sat back on his heels appraising her thoroughly. 

"Don't do that to me again. You scared me." 

She turned and looked at him blankly. 

"I thought I'd lost you." Casting his towel aside, he put one hand tentatively on her shoulder and pulled her towards him. He kissed her softly on the forehead. She didn't pull away, didn't flinch as before. He pulled back. She still looked distant, her unfocused eyes now on the fire. 

His gaze dropped to her bare shoulders. He was mesmerised by their smoothness as the glow of the flames flickered over them. The same creamy whiteness he had admired once before, long, long ago when she'd been wearing a towel in much the same way. 

He bent to kiss them. Once, twice, three times in a line above the clavicle. After the third, one of her hands whipped up to brush him off, as she would an irritating insect. 

She faced him now, her eyes dark and intense. 

Disappointed, he met her gaze. 

"There's something else," she whispered softly. 

"Oh?" 

"When we got back from New Earth…when the Doctor examined me, I was three weeks pregnant." 

Chakotay had the breath knocked out of him. This was the last thing he'd imagined he'd hear. He'd never had an inkling. 

"The virus must have inactivated my contraceptive implant," she explained. 

"You got rid of it? You destroyed our child?" he exclaimed accusingly, unable to keep the tremor from his voice. 

"No…I would never do that." 

Chakotay swallowed. He needed to be more patient with her. Why couldn't he stay calm? "What then? What happened? Did you lose it?" 

She just shook her head slightly. 

"Then where is it?" 

She glanced towards the floor, rubbing both hands downward over her abdomen. "It's here. It's always been here." Chakotay looked at her with complete confusion. As she looked back up, she took in his expression of utter mystification. "We let it develop until twelve weeks, till we were sure it was healthy and all the main organs were formed. Then the Doctor put him into hibernation." 

"You never told me." 

"I knew I couldn't, not then. If you had known, you would have insisted I continue the pregnancy." Chakotay couldn't answer that because he knew it was true. "And if we'd remained as a couple, the Doctor would have insisted on telling you." 

"So you were going to leave me in the dark? Is that why you ended things with me? Because you didn't want me to know about the baby? You couldn't face me with the truth?" 

"No! Well...it was one of many reasons. If I couldn't be the Captain and your lover, I certainly could not be a mother as well. There is only so much of Kathryn Janeway to go round." 

This he understood. "It's still in…there?" She nodded. "And you went on dangerous away missions with our child in your womb? Kathryn, you even allowed yourself to be assimilated!" He fought hard to keep calm. He'd done enough damage with his tongue. 

"I had no choice. And the baby survived it." 

"It's still viable?" he asked nervously. 

"It's more than viable. I had the pregnancy regenerated three weeks ago. Everything's proceeding normally now." 

"You're expecting our baby?" he said, struggling to take this all in, but nevertheless unable to keep the excitement from threading his voice. 

"Yes," she said smiling. 

"We should get the Doc…you've just caught your death…" 

"It's fine, Chakotay. I just scanned him." 

"Him?" 

She nodded. For a few moments they just grinned happily at each other, taking in the other's obvious pleasure. "You're pleased?" she asked shyly. 

"Oh Kathryn, this is wonderful news!" He pulled her into his embrace, and she didn't resist this time. "You weren't going to tell me, were you?" 

"Not if you'd married Seven, no. There wouldn't have been any point." 

"I'd have wanted to know!" 

"How the hell do you explain to a man that you're expecting his child, if he never remembers having sex with you? Look how angry you were with Seska!" 

Chakotay swallowed. "You are not Seska. Her baby wasn't even mine." He didn't need to question whether Kathryn's baby was his. He knew it was with an absolute certainty, even though he hadn't slept with her in six years. 

"I've done many things I'm not proud of, and I've often thought I've come close to behaving like Seska. If I'd told you the truth, I could have ruined your relationship with Seven." 

"The only relationship I want now is with you and our baby." 

The light died in her eyes and his stomach clenched again. Why was she not dancing with joy? He couldn't understand it. 

"What is it, Kathryn?" 

"I don't deserve to be happy." There. She'd said it, and it made a lot of sense. This wonderful vibrant woman, who soared on the bridge of a Starship, could sink really low when she embarked on one of her excessive guilt trips. 

It struck Chakotay that he needed to let go of his own anger, before she could let go of hers. His heart flooded with tenderness and he pulled her into his arms, dropping a posy of kisses on the crown of her head. "Kathryn, you do! You do deserve to be happy," he whispered, tears almost filling his own eyes. "You are an incredible woman. You were the most amazing Captain out there in the Delta Quadrant, exactly the Captain we needed. Nobody else could have done it, and your crew positively worshipped you. Every one of them knows we wouldn't have made it home without you. We owe you our lives. You turned me from a lost angry man into a man with purpose and a peaceful heart. Look how you rehabilitated the Maquis, the Equinox crew...Seven! You are a brilliant, stunning woman, whom I fell in love with long ago. You made me the happiest man alive when you became my lover. You make love with a passion that takes my breath away. You have a deep and caring heart…nothing like Seska's black and scheming one. And by an absolute miracle, you have conceived my child. You will be the best possible mother, I know you will. Our child is very fortunate. You absolutely deserve to be happy." 

"I've made such a mess of things. I hurt you so badly." Spirits, he thought, why did this woman have to punish herself so much? It gained him nothing to be angry with her. She was always angry enough with herself. 

"If I can forgive you, then you can forgive yourself. Besides, if you let me in…if you let us be together again, none of it will matter. Past mistakes can be washed away. The hurt was only caused by our separation. If we're together again, the past cannot hurt us." 

"We can't just go back. It won't be the same." However, she tilted her head up to his and there was a faint glimmer of hope in her eyes. 

"No, not exactly the same. We won't need any parameters in case the ship returns. We won't have to worry about the future or what protocol might demand of us. We won't be condemned to live in isolation on a remote planet and neither will our son. We will have people around us who will support us in whatever we do, and that includes our being together. We'll have friends, family, doctors, schools…even your precious Starfleet. It won't be the same, it will be better. And if we want to just be by ourselves for a while, this cabin serves pretty well as a hideaway from the big bad universe! Don't I deserve to be given a chance? Don't we deserve a second chance? Both of us? If you're worried that the last six years will keep coming between us, don't be! I promise to stop raking over it all. Let's leave the past where it belongs and build our future together." 

Her face was effused with hopefulness now. She nodded ever so slightly. She wanted to believe him, he could tell, and he reached out his hand to cup her cheek. She closed her eyes, and let a small smile play on her lips. "Stop running from me, Kathryn. You were never meant to captain that ship alone. I tried so hard to be there for you. You're not meant to live the rest of your life alone either. This isolation…it's not healthy for you. You're the type of person who thrives with people around you. That's one of the reasons you found it so hard to settle on New Earth. 

Let me in, my love. It's time to let me make the decisions regarding our relationship. I deserve my turn. You've had your own way for far too long." 

"Okay." Her smile broadened. 

"Kathryn, do you still have the rings?" 

She took a moment to gather his meaning. "They're in my bedroom in Indiana." 

"Then we can get married as soon as possible." 

"I thought you viewed us as already married." 

"In my eyes, it was more than enough. But I don't want you throwing that it wasn't legal at me ever again." 

She opened her mouth but he pressed a finger to her lips. "No arguments!" he told her. 

She nodded her acceptance and he tilted her head upwards, dipping his own low to bring their lips together. For only a few seconds the contact was tentative, hesitant, testing, before hunger propelled them forward. Lips parted and tongues duelled, as they tasted the heady familiar sweetness of their kisses. It was as if time rolled back. Six years of pain washed away by the tide. 

Parting for a moment, he watched her closely. There was no hint of her pulling away now and he finally let go of the last of his own bitterness and the remnants of his fear. He allowed his own heart to soar now. It began to hammer in anticipation. 

He lifted his hands to the point where the towel was knotted and let his thumb dip under the fabric, rubbing gently in the valley between her breasts. 

"Let me take a look!" he said, untying the knot and pushing the towel aside. It fell softly to her waist. 

Her beautiful breasts were exactly as he remembered them. Her ribcage was a little bonier, but there were signs of a slight fullness in the belly. 

He touched his fingers to her shoulders, running them briefly over her breasts until he pushed them downwards over her abdomen, mimicking her own actions earlier. 

His fingers lingered there a moment and their eyes met again. There was a brief flicker of shyness in hers, before they began to sparkle. Much of her tension had gone. 

"You are as beautiful as ever!" he told her. "My memories didn't deceive me." 

He lowered her onto the rug, allowing her to sink into its deep silky pile. She lay there, thighs parted, gazing up at him expectantly. 

He pulled off his damp shirt and launched himself over her, running his hands up her thighs and back onto her abdomen. Yes, there was definitely a slight swelling there. 

He leaned forward and captured her mouth again, plundering with his tongue. Then he kissed the tip of her nose, her forehead, behind her ear (she moaned at that, a sound so distantly familiar to him.) Back to her mouth again. Sweet honeyed kisses, heady and intoxicating. 

He rose up onto his arms again, holding himself over her to study her lovely face. She was holding his gaze now, and for that he was grateful. She looked so beautiful…no make-up, no mask, just a smattering of precious freckles. This strong woman lay pale and vulnerable beneath him, a study of contrasts. Her darkened hair, still damp from the shower, tumbled onto the white fur of the rug. 

Spirits, how he loved this woman! Suddenly it was absolutely important that she knew just how much. 

"I love you, Kathryn Janeway, and if everything that's happened in the last six years hasn't destroyed my feelings, then nothing will. You're stuck with me, my darling. Don't think for a second I will ever let you go again." 

"I love you too," she rasped, as he kissed her throat. "And I'm sorry…" 

"Hush now. Let it all be forgotten. The pain will mean nothing soon. We can wipe it all away. Look forward, not back. Let's make fresh memories, my love." 

He kissed her on the mouth one more time, before allowing himself the luxury of exploring elsewhere. He would take his time. He would show her how much she meant to him. He would worship every part of her body and slowly take possession of her. He would burn his mark on her with his lips and hands, teasing, touching, caressing, tormenting. He would revel in her arousal, take delight in waking every fibre of her being. He would taste her too. He would taste that familiar intimate essence that he knew he'd been unconsciously missing when he'd been with other women. There was so much of her that was ingrained deep within his soul. He knew this was something that could never be eradicated, something that was very much part of him. Even when he couldn't remember what it was, he knew somehow that he had been searching for it. 

He would make her body come alive. She would know what it was to be loved so completely. She would learn to trust in his love once again. 

As he set about his glorious quest, he felt her body respond as it had all those years ago, shattering the hold that fate had placed on their love. Her body recognised its lover, responded eagerly to the familiar touch, just as the lover knew without question what pleased and what delighted. 

This felt so right, he decided, as he finally pushed into her. They fit perfectly together. This was where he was born to be. No other woman could satisfy him the way Kathryn did. Pausing, to allow her time to adjust, he gazed into her eyes once again, whispering his love. She smiled back at him. She was with him! They'd come home. It felt so good. 

He began to thrust, letting the pressure build. She met his thrusts with equal fervour and very quickly shards of white hot pleasure were shooting through each of them. No more hiding. No more running. They were joined body and soul. 

The pressure rose to teeter agonisingly on the brink of something incredible, hovering for a moment just beyond reach. The torture was divine. He wound his fingers between their bodies to touch her sweet spot. When he came, he was going to make damned sure she came with him. 

And when he came, the right name would be on his lips, rising up from deep in his belly to rip from his throat. The only name. The rightful name. 

Kathryn. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a friend who told me her unborn baby went into hibernation for a few weeks (according to her doctors), so I decided on this as an alternative to my original baby in stasis idea (which I have done before.) I have another friend who had her first and only baby at 45, so those who say KJ is past motherhood around Endgame are just plain wrong.


End file.
